Air Mai - Under the Surface

Are we shocked by the title? No. Not really. Most freakouts are unwarrated these days. Yesterday's was because I said Breeze airlines has roundtrip airfare for $200/pp to Vegas. And, said they should go. But, no. "We can't afford it." And, when I kinda smirked because it's like oooookkkkk, he lost his shit. Then said if we can afford it then layout the package plan for him to prove it. I said ok. And, he just stared at me. Well, I'm not going to do it right now! He apologizes later because he's just stressed because of his family coming and worried about affording everything because "we barely make it month-to-month as it is." Which makes NO sense. But whatever. I'm still annoyed. He was all mopey/huggy this morning--with that air of "I'm sorry. Let's hug and make up and everything is ok again."

I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's because I'm scared or lazy or "comfortable," as K said...but I just don't know what to do. I don;t want Charlie growing up to think this is how a marriage is supposed to be, I don't want him thinking he can treat people like K does and that it's OK. Do I love K? Yes. I think I do. Do I love him the way I did? Definitely not. But it's from how I feel. It's the lack of respect that HE doesn't see happening because he is the injured party. He is the one who is hurting (the most). I wish we had a referree on-hand for when the shit gets real. Because when it happens I can't think to save my life. I can't formulate thoughts or rationalize anything. I'm totally rain manning and that helps nothing because all it does is fuel his anger more. I;m just tired of living like this-of not knowing who/what is coming home. Feeling guilty because I haven't/don't want to go down on him...