Where I'm At Today - 6-15

I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's because I'm scared or lazy or "comfortable," as K said...but I just don't know what to do. I don;t want Charlie growing up to think this is how a marriage is supposed to be, I don't want him thinking he can treat people like K does and that it's OK. Do I love K? Yes. I think I do. Do I love him the way I did? Definitely not. But it's from how I feel. It's the lack of respect that HE doesn't see happening because he is the injured party. He is the one who is hurting (the most). I wish we had a referree on-hand for when the shit gets real. Because when it happens I can't think to save my life. I can't formulate thoughts or rationalize anything. I'm totally rain manning and that helps nothing because all it does is fuel his anger more. I;m just tired of living like this-of not knowing who/what is coming home. Feeling guilty because I haven't/don't want to go down on him. Feeling guilty like I'm a bad mom or wife because things aren't getting done or happening the way HE thinks. But, then I wonder. Am I the bad person? Am I the crazy one. Am I more of a problem than I think I am? Am I riding on the tails of all the shit he's put me through and banking on support or whatever? Nita made a post from Liz taking her out for her bday. And, I wish I could make a post like that. I wish we could do stuff like that and just enjoy it. But, something always happens. Is it because of me? Am I wanting too much and not seeing the good in what is here. Am I pulling a K and not being good with good enough. Dammit.

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