Air Mai - Under the Surface

  I was having a rough night one night and reached out to a friend who went through hard times and asked how he knew he was ready and/or not ready to make a move. Here's what he said: "After lots of arguments and walking out on each other and standing by my convictions. It was a many months process and lots of conversations to finally acknowledge that she wasn't going to change what she thought was okay to do, and I wasn't going to change my belief on what I believed was appropriate or inappropriate while in a relationship.   And her telling me numerous times that I was the problem and needed therapy, and to get over it or find someone else.   So I finally said fine, I'll find someone else.   Very very hard after only 2 years together.   Love was still there, and I still care very much for her, but we were ultimately two very different people and it wasn't something I could be a part of anymore.   And she didn't fight for us.   Refused to make any comp...

It has definitely been a mixed bag the past month or two.  The Silence: One of my best friends just up-and-stopped talking to me. No clue why. It was bizarre. We talked in the middle of June, then I texted her the night before her anniversary...and the text showed sent through SMS...not IOS. The last time that happened, I had been blocked. I tried to shake it off, texted her and her hubby the next day on their anniversary, and only he responded...I've called, left messages, reached out to her husband, and tried on social...crickets. No clue. But I really miss her and am PRAYING that there will be some light shed on the situation. Therapist "Conclusion": Definite double entendre with that one. I haven't talked to Kacie or Josh in well over a month--maybe even two months. But, it hasn't been bad. I actually feel like my mind is clearer WITHOUT the "help" they provide. And, I also feel a bit more at peace, too. I'm guessing because I'm not constantl...

Craziness. I was feeling strong. I was feeling confident. I was feeling like I was somewhat accepting my "fate" or future or whatever you want to call it. Then, the week before Poland arrived...he changed. We're talking hard stop. 180-degree about face. And, it has been amazing. He has been 100% calm, cool, and collected. He hasn't gotten on my case about what Charlie's eating (or moreover NOT eating). He hasn't freaked out about the house being a mess. He hasn't pushed for sex/affection and gotten upset and angry when it wasn't received. He's been...normal. What a husband should be. And, the big thing is I am not doing anything different than I had been. So I've just been living and being me. This is all his change.  It's also important to note he 1. Has family here and 2. Is NOT at work. And, I have said all along, it's work that is making him so miserable. But, right now he is HAPPY. He is FUN to be around. We even just laid on the b...

I’m not happy in this relationship. I’m not happy constantly being minimized, devalued, and made to feel less than. I’m anxious. I’m fearful of what might cause an outburst and find myself trying to adjust your behavior. I can’t talk to you. I’ve lost confidence in myself. This runs much deeper than just “forgive and forget.” This is toxic. It all started when you weren’t happy. When I wasn’t doing enough. When I wasn’t giving enough. When I wasn’t “making you happy,” because—according to you—I know what to do and I’m just not doing it.   Does my happiness not matter? Am I supposed to be happy being raged at and torn down anytime you don’t like something? Am I supposed to be happy walking on eggshells, afraid to talk to someone who’s supposed to be my partner? Am I supposed to be happy when you say, “meh, the sex wasn’t good enough”? Am I supposed to be happy watching you force-feed Charlie? Am I supposed to be happy when you get furious that my friends stayed past their “curfew”? ...

I was ranting and rambling to one of my besties and she said something that absolutely summarized the situation: What he is doing is abuse. And it’s having a huge effect on you. You’re anxious, you’re fearful of what might cause an outburst and try to adjust your behavior, you can’t talk to him, you’ve lost some of your confidence. It runs much deeper than forgive and forget.   It's true. It's 100% true. We are in the love bombing cycle and it just adds fuel to the confusion fire. At the root of it WHAT am I not happy about? That is what I need to dial down/into. I'm just so tired. So mentally and emotionally exhausted. It sucks.  And then right after I dropped Charlie off, I just started crying. And, I'm still crying. Because this is all so fucked up. K keeps harping that I am the selfish one. I only think about what I want. My needs. And, because I am not happy, it's MY  unhappiness that is otherwise going to destroy this "perfect" family. 

 Dear. God. What a fuckin' weekend.  Let's begin with the kickoff debacle... Summary: Cousin Jen came in town on Friday. I stayed at mom's because of thes ituation. Saturday, Uncle Joe and Aunt Paula were coming over. Jen mentioned she'd love to see them. I said ya know what, come over.  In the morning I came home and instead of asking if he’s ok with it, just casually said “Mom and Cousin Jen are going to drop by to see UJ/AP for a little while” and the amount of anger/rage that went into his eyes-geezus. Pupils went black and he was furious.  I’m selfish. How dare I come home and TELL him that. I only think about what I want. I never take his feelings into consideration. Im selfish. Did I mention selfish?  How dare I not ask him first. And he told me this is not how marriage work (in terms of me not asking permission). I fired back with you’re right this is NOT how marriages work and he stood up and came over, ready to tirade on me and  I l...