Air Mai - Under the Surface

I’m not happy in this relationship. I’m not happy constantly being minimized, devalued, and made to feel less than. I’m anxious. I’m fearful of what might cause an outburst and find myself trying to adjust your behavior. I can’t talk to you. I’ve lost confidence in myself. This runs much deeper than just “forgive and forget.” This is toxic. It all started when you weren’t happy. When I wasn’t doing enough. When I wasn’t giving enough. When I wasn’t “making you happy,” because—according to you—I know what to do and I’m just not doing it.   Does my happiness not matter? Am I supposed to be happy being raged at and torn down anytime you don’t like something? Am I supposed to be happy walking on eggshells, afraid to talk to someone who’s supposed to be my partner? Am I supposed to be happy when you say, “meh, the sex wasn’t good enough”? Am I supposed to be happy watching you force-feed Charlie? Am I supposed to be happy when you get furious that my friends stayed past their “curfew”? ...

I was ranting and rambling to one of my besties and she said something that absolutely summarized the situation: What he is doing is abuse. And it’s having a huge effect on you. You’re anxious, you’re fearful of what might cause an outburst and try to adjust your behavior, you can’t talk to him, you’ve lost some of your confidence. It runs much deeper than forgive and forget.   It's true. It's 100% true. We are in the love bombing cycle and it just adds fuel to the confusion fire. At the root of it WHAT am I not happy about? That is what I need to dial down/into. I'm just so tired. So mentally and emotionally exhausted. It sucks.  And then right after I dropped Charlie off, I just started crying. And, I'm still crying. Because this is all so fucked up. K keeps harping that I am the selfish one. I only think about what I want. My needs. And, because I am not happy, it's MY  unhappiness that is otherwise going to destroy this "perfect" family.