Mentally Worn Out

I'm just sad. I haven't been feeling well (downright sick) and that means I haven't given K attention. Which I can tell with his moods/attitude. Then the other night he says I was mean to him when I got drunk - he brings up my drinking again. But, it's like hello. YOU were drinking, too. And, it's not that I wasmean to him (I remember when I'm mean and what I say #Blossom) but the othernight, I just wasn't putting up with theantics. Like I'd laugh something off or roll my eyes (dramatically) or say "oh, my god!" in the overdramatic tone and with a smirk - and to him that was me being mean. But, I was just being me. And., then he says "oh, everything is my fault. nothig is ever your fault" No, I didnt say that. But honestly, yea. YOU are the one who makes a big deal about everything. YOU are the one who cant handle when I tease back like you tease me. YOU are the one who feels the need to comment/weigh in/add your opinion or feelings to pretty much anything we talk about -whether it's warranted or not. I know right now everything is compounding because I can feel the tension with k. And then I start thinking that I should be able to talk to my husband about these kinds of things and I can’t. Because his stance is “oh, because everything is my fault. Because nothing is ever your fault” and I’ve never said I was flawless. I’ve never said that anything wasn’t my fault. But… And I also just don’t want to hear how I’m feeling at being a wife. Because I really feel like that would just open up an entire door and i’m not in the mental state to hear it This is a really hard time for me right now with Papa. I feel so lost. Lost with myself. Lost with my life. Lost in general. If nothing else, at least I'm gettingb ack into shape (slowly). That makes me feel good. I just feel so sad. So stuck in my mind andmy mind is my cell And I don’t know. He said that yesterday I was being even more standoffish when I should’ve been coming up to him and giving him a hug and trying to be more present with him. (essentially.) but it’s like this is where I tell you I’m feeling selfish because I’m having a hard time. I have a really hard time and I can’t just have a hard time my way because I am being disrespectful or I am being ignorant or whatever so now it’s like I can’t even have my own hard time because I have to be concerned about how I’m acting. And, feel bad about feeling bad! It's awful. And it makes me feel crazy. I can't talk to my husband because he doesn't get it - and it turns into me being in a mood. Me disrespectign him. Me doing XYZ. I'm sorry you haven't gotten laid or blown in a couple weeks but #1 I was sick (And still fighting it) #2 I am NOT in the mood. It goes back and forth with this whole "you know what I need" BS. He needs me to show him affection. I need him to just stop being extra 24/7. #3 I feel SO damn lost! I feel like a shell of a human. I feel like I'm crouched in a ball and just looking out at the world. I feel like I can't just BE because if I do try and BE it'll blow up in my face so I have to put on this mask, facade and act a certain way so as not to trigger anything. GRUMMMMBLE

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Transcription of Events 5-14

 Anniversary Eve. Manifesto came to light. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I said IDK. Conversation ensued. Transcribed version of events that I was able to record (for posterity and just for reference).  M:  I will say that. I don't think you're being completely serious, but you said, like, I feel like part of of you truly thinks at least a little that because there's a ring on your finger, I'm, like, essentially like a property. No.   K: Okay.. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I like this on my apology.   No. Okay. Never. You You're my partner. You're you're a team member, your partner, you're not my part. Okay.    Never, never. No. I'm sorry, go on.   M: Keeping score, you say you don't do it, but it feels like you do. An example, left a box on the bench for a few days and then said that I should have put it away. And I said, it's your box and you responded, yeah, but what was in it, Charlie's stuff and you said you'd take care of it.   ...
Read more

Good grief, the uneeded shenanigans!

Preface: So I’m trying to revise the way I do things. So instead of asking for permission for something I’m going to nicely just kind of lead in with this is what I’m going to do. Because I shouldn’t have to ask for permission to do things. Not to say I'd be all "HERE IS WHAT I'M DOING! DEAL WITH IT!" But less ask permission, more ease into this is what I'd like to do. So Tuesady night I said hey, do you have any plans on Monday night or anything going on? He said no why. I said well Bev would like to take me out to dinner for my birthday. He said OK...but why can’t you take you Tuesday? (Which is our normal night to get together because we do pilates.)  I’m like well we have pilates Tuesday and he said exactly. And I just kind of gave him the look and he said no it’s fine. So then as we’re getting ready for bed, I was like oh and don’t forget I have Cousin Jen coming in Friday night. And he said "oh, so you’re gonna be Doing your thing Monday, Tuesday, Wedne...
Read more

Response to the non-apology

I appreciate the email. I appreciate you being able to calmly, rationally, non-violently explain what is “wrong.” I do not appreciate how you choose to do it in real life and face-to-face. I agree, we feel the way we feel. We are all entitled that. Should we be able to talk and vent to each other? Of course. But, there’s an unspoken respect that that also needs to be present—one where name calling, yelling, condescension, swearing is checked at the door. I know you’re not happy. But honestly, I feel like you are never happy. There’s always something wrong. There’s always something that can be improved on. There’s rarely ever a time where you’re satisfied or just take the win for what it is. I’ve said this MANY times before: sometimes it’s OK to just be OK and enjoy/savor the little things. Not everything needs to be one-upped. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of you.  And, if you live your life expecting only the best 24/7, you’re going to be let down majority of th...
Read more