11-10-23

 I feel kinda bad. I'm in a mood. Shocking, but true. But, it's because I'm just tired. Literally. Charlie was restless as all get out. K wanted to snuggle so he put me in the middle and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable so after, like, an hour I was up and moving around then told him he needs to sleep in the middle. LOL. Which only lasted so long because then Charlie woke up and was like "DADDY! Scooch! I don't want you." 

But, making "jokes" with K is sometimes just annoying. We were having breakfast corndogs (impulse Aldi buy) and I asked if he had any thoughts on lunch. And, he said "I have an idea but you'll probably say no. * wink wink* I have a corndog for you." I said no, thanks. I'm full. And laughed it off, and he got all "it's not funny when it's all you say every time." I still tried to maintain the haha, but I was kinda serious. 

He ALWAYS jokes or hints toward sex and I know I need to laugh it off or get used to it or whatever, but it annoys me. Probably just as much as it annoys him when I shoot him down. So, how do you balance that? Definitely a Kacie question. I don't mean to annoy, but it's like EVERY TIME he hugs me or oogles me or "jokes" about sex, I get put on high alert because historically, if I even entertain the notion and it doesn't happen, the shit hits the fan.

This is where he says I need to stop focusing on the negative/what's in the past. Blah blah blah. That I bring my own "bad juju" because I'm thinking about it and manifesting it. But, I don't believe that's true. Because I know bible lady mentioned it too, it's a HISTORIC FACT in our relationship. One, that my brain/mental state is wired to know what could/will happen should he not get what he wants. 

So how does one field that? I mean, how do I stop "focusing" on the negative, in this case. I mean, technically I'm not really giving him a chance to change if I keep holding him to his old self...He has been better this past week, I will say that. 

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