The Air is Weird

The past few days (especially) the air has been really weird here. It's like we're both present but not present (if that makes sense). Like we're going through the motions of life but not really being our true selves. I don't like.

I don't want to admit this, but I do feel like we're both not happy and there is no fixing it. But, neither of us wants to really call that out. I don't know if he honestly thinks things are fixable? Or, if he just doesn't want to admit things are not getting better? I'm not sure.  Here's how I see our "visions of current life":

K:

  • Is not happy because I am not "living up" to my duties as a wife (sex, passion, attention, etc.)
  • We could be happy IFF I am the one who changes. 
    • I know what needs fixed but I "don't listen or don't care"
  • He is not at any fault for anything. He has given and grown and changed and I am the problem. Why don't I see/recognize just HOW MUCH he has changed over the past 7 years
  • Everything rests on me. I am the reason we're not doing well. And, if I am not willing to "do what it takes" then I am at fault (especially if the marriage fails)
  • I am selfish because I only think about myself or Charlie. I don't show compassion or care for him. I know what he needs but I consistently do NOT do anything to make him feel better.
  • I need to be stricter on Charlie (nani especially). I need to do more to get him to eat better.
  • I need to take better care of the house. Keep it cleaner, more tidy. And, help him more with outdoor things or downstairs
  • He is very upset that Charlie tells him to go away or that he doesn't want him
  • He has to be strong for everyone but there is no one there for him
  • The only way to "get through to me" is to yell or be a dick

Me:
  • I am not happy in general
  • I always feel I'm walking on eggshells. ALWAYS
  • Nothing is ever good enough. I don't strive for mediocrity but sometimes good IS good enough
    • Always has to make a comment or offer an opinion on something - NOT necessary
  • I'm always worried/scared how he is going to come home and what the mood is going to be
  • I can never just "be" because heaven forbid it strikes him wrong...then the night is fucked
  • I feel constantly belittled, talked down to, and blamed for everything. But his defense is "that's just how I talk. You take things the wrong way. You don't listen. Etc."
    • He puts everything back on me and he doesn't see it
  • I'm so overwhelmed and tired by constantly worrying and thinking of ways to field the attitude/tension. I am EXHAUSTED.
  • I feel guilty for being "selfish" but then a part of me is like NO!
    • I am NOT selfish for having a REALLY hard time with life--especially because of Papa. And, yes, I know he lost him too, but he was MY DADDY. 
    • Not that it's "my time" to be selfish, but he got to be selfish upfront and in the beginning of the marriage. Examples include:
      • The yoga night where I rushed home because I misspoke on end time and he went off because I wasn't there to make him dinner and he was working all day
      • I always ALWAYS gave him what he wanted during sex, but now I'm taking a step back because things change

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