Air Mai - Under the Surface

Ya know, I am so over everything right now. I don't like being told I make things about me. Maybe I do? Maybe I do make them about me. But that is IF AND ONLY IF it's because I am defending myself and my position/stance on everything that's happening.  I said last night he came home hot. He did. IT WAS OBVIOUS. But, he says that is me turning it back on him. No, it wasn't. I asked a simple question and made the rookie mistake of pushing a little more to make sure he was ok. He said he's overwhelmed by Charlie telling him to go away, he doesn't want him, he wants mommy. Ok, well I'm not a mindreader. If THAT is what's bother you you need to say something,. I had no clue when he picked him up last night from school that's what went down. Without knowing that, how am I supposed to know what the issue is? And, he wants me to be all loving and give him hugs and kisses and be sweet when everything in my body is telling me to RUN (not literally, it's th...

 He came home. Obvious from the second he walked through the door. Of course, this triggers my fight or flight and I was in NO MOOD to fight, so I opted to just play with Charlie. He's sitting in his chair obviously stewing over something. I ask if he's ok. I sweetened my voice and everything. "Yea, I'm fine." with that attitude/tone that everything is indeed NOT ok. So I let him sit there. Trying to figure out if there's any possibility that this could be my fault... In a little bit, I can see him still boiling and I said, "ok, what's wrong?" Again, not with attitude or "come at ya" tone, but with the kinda soft but "I know there's something up" thing. And then it began. Please note - Charlie was yelling at him and getting upset saying "DADDY! Don't be mean to mommy! Don't shout at mommy!" I told K he's a sensitive kid and can sense and feel all this and he just doesn't see it.  Highlights of why...

 I have to say, it was a good weekend. A nice weekend. A calm weekend. I also have to admit part of me is/was waiting for the other shoe to drop, because historically, it always does. However, I'm trying to ride the high of the good. Even his voice/tone was different this weekend. Softer. Not really sure how to explain or describe it, but it was just nice. We were able to joke with each other and laugh and I didn't feel under the thumb for sex anytime he touched me or held me. He even clarified when he'd touch me or reach out "this isn't sexual, I just want to hold you." Or something of the sort. Hoping we can keep the good times flowin'. Kacie suggested I write down what I feel (emotion wise) the hour before he gets home. Normally, it's anxiety. A SHIT TON of anxiety. Did I do enough today? Should I have done something else? Did I forget to do something? Etc. Today, I don't feel that way...again, fingers crossed.  He asked me once before to write ...

 So it kinda dawned on me last night while I was at Bev's. Her and Mark were teasing each other and I envy the way they look at each other. Then it hit me...We don't know how to just have fun. One of us is forever taking things the wrong way or getting annoyed or irritated by the other. But, how do you stop that? I mean, really.  I feel like his jokes are never just "jokes" or "teases" because they're always about something legit. They feel like a dig or a way to "face" an issue without actually saying anything. That statement right there is probably part of the reason we have the issue - maybe he's teasing and I'm taking it wrong.  But, the same thing happens with him and me. I say something off-the-cuff and WHAM he's 10 shades of pissed and I'm trying to come back from it.  IDK, just a random thought. I really need to read up on how to change that. Like how do we re-program? Every so often I get a heart swell and I'm like ...