Random Post WTFFFFFF Thoughts

Everything is transactional. He makes his remarks about taking care of me and doing XYZ but that’s what you're supposed to do in a marriage. I don’t know how else to say that. That’s what you're supposed to do. No questions asked. You shouldn’t want in return, except for the other person to feel better, but it’s never that way and it always turns back into I never give anything.

Ok, so you cleaned the dished and "cleaned" the house and made me tea and took care of Charlie...ok, that's my norm. I don't demand or expect to be PRAISED for it. A simple thanks is good enough. No fanfare needed. 


"And yes. Everything about the way Charlie acts IS all your fault because he controls you. You don't control him." Ouch. Yes, he has me wrapped around his little finger, but him acting like a jerk to you is NOT my fault. You get all upset and bent out of shape that I don't "talk you up" to him like you do to me. "Charlie, isn't mommy so pretty? Charlie, you have the best mommy." Yea, I DO! I do when you're not here. I do it when it's just him and me so I can try and get through to him. You're not here to see it. Don't think it's not happening.  


Things took a very ugly spiral. He claims that I am so stuck in the past and holding onto what I will hear that I’m not seeing in reality. Is that true? Or is he gaslighting? I can’t talk to him about anything because I know how things are going to turn. If I say one wrong thing, he hangs onto it like a dog with a bone and I cannot escape it. For example, I  made a comment about Charlie going from loving him to hating him and he’s said oh, that’s awesome, he hates me. And I said I didn’t mean that. Bu  he said, but you said it and you’re the English major and you’re the native speaker and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and I’m like oh my God dude let it go I didn’t mean it like that.  I was just trying to make a point.


But it’s like I have to vet everything I say before I say it in my head. Because heaven in forbid it the wrong thing. And it makes me unable  talk to him. We can’t even just have a normal conversation like most people do. Maybe he’s right, we don’t have anything to talk about and that’s bad. I really don’t know what to do. Do I want this to work just because I’m in it and I don’t want to lose everything I have? It’s ridiculous but maybe?


He wants more intimacy, but I don’t want to deliver. And yes, I plan to talk to my doctor because I don’t know if it’s a libido thing or if it’s just a me thing. But I’m just not horny at all. And I don’t wanna be touched 24/7.  And it’s like he can’t just come over and put his hand on my leg or on my shoulder. It’s gotta be on my boob or in my crotch and I made a comment that I commented on that and he got all up in arms about that because "I have nowhere to touch you. I try to touch your stomach and you shove me away. I touch your leg and you shove me away." 


It all boils down that I just don't feel comfortable talking to him. We only have good conversations after he's smoked or after a couple drinks (me or him). It's sad. I need to pull out those conversation cards, because he IS right in that respect. We have nothing to talk about. But why...need to mull..

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