HoliKay Fuckery in Full Effect!

So, historically, there have always been flare ups around the holidays...any holiday...every holiday. Thought after having a good Easter, Birthday, and Mother's Day maybe, jusssssst maybe we had gotten past the shenanigans? NOPE! Not even kinda...

Last night was a SHIT SHOW. SHIT. FUCKING. SHOW.

I told him that I needed to get something off my chest and explained that he is absolutely able to talk to me and tell me anything, but saying "That's not good enough for me" realllllly got under my skin and it bothered me. He apologized. I said thanks. The rest of the night felt weird. I was quiet. He seemed off. Charlie was hot and cold with him. It just felt unsettled. 

So after getting Charlie to bed he asked what I wanted to do. I said "why don't you go to the bedroom." He said no, I've been in a bad mood all night.And, I said no, I really wasn't. I said what I needed to say and felt fine. "Well, it doesn't feel that way." Flash forward to bed...

We're laying there and suddenly I was like "did we bring in the swim stuff from outside?" "Seriously, THAT is what you're thinking about right now?!" Ummmmm, yes? Is there something else I should be? Commence flood gate opening...as well as lots of swearing and voice raising (on his part, not mine). I even told him to stop with the swearing, but you know how that goes...Key points include:

  • He was upset because I “asked” him instead of just taking care of him. I really didn't, I was trying to be cute or sexy or whatever with "Why don't you go in the bedroom..." Wasn't a question, it was a leading statement. But, nope. Not taken that way

  • I don’t take an active  interest in anything he’s doing. Whenever anything breaks I never show enough appreciation I guess? He brought up the spigot, then gardening, then the pool and said, "Fuck it! Why should I break my back and waste my time doing any of this if you don't give a fucking shit about it!" I really held back on firing back that we could just hire somebody to do the work. It doesn’t always have to be him, but I did not. And, really, I never ASKED for him to plant all the plants and do all the things. Do I appreciate it? Hell yes! But, I don't need it getting held over me as if I was the one who asked for it. 

  • I turn on my ignorance when I have nothing to say or know that he’s right 

  • I say that I can’t talk to him, but he can’t talk to me because I twist everything against him. Like the convo the other night about not being good enough. And, I held onto it all day and even after he got home. 

  • This is fun, he accused me of purposely waiting until Mother’s Day to say that I will not be here on Father’s Day. And, that since then, I never brought it up again. And it's bullshit. Because if the roles were reversed, I would have a brick because Mother’s Day means so much to me and this is why he doesn’t like celebrating holidays because he was always let down in the past. But, I told him if roles were reversed, I would understand because it’s for something important. And he shot back with something like "so you're saying she’s more important than me? That's fucking awesome. Can't I ever be the most important thing"

  • He told me he doesn’t think I’ve loved him for the past two years and and he's told me that numerous timesbefore and that now I'm just comfortable. Then he said "why did you even marry me."  And I said because I love you. And, he scoffed.

  • When in the hell have I ever helped out with anything? When was the last time I went outside and weeded? Or, done anything to help him. Like blowing off the porch (which yes, he has asked me to do MANY times because I’m home all day). In my defense, I don't mean to NOT do it, I just forget or don't think about it. But, he literally said except for mowing the lawn, I don't do anything. 

  • In regard to the "ignorance" I turn on, yes, I did feel my defiance and attitude kicking in. But that is MY defense mechanism. He turns into a raging asshole and I get my attitude but that's just because I cannot believe what's going on. 


The sucky thing is he got into my head and made me start thinking that maybe a lot of this IS my fault. He tells me what he needs/wants and I start out following through, then just "stop." But, the entire reason this alllllllll started  was because the other night, I said I'd take care of him, but "put everything else ahead of him and didn't make him a priority." And that was that. 


FUCK!!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Transcription of Events 5-14

 Anniversary Eve. Manifesto came to light. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I said IDK. Conversation ensued. Transcribed version of events that I was able to record (for posterity and just for reference).  M:  I will say that. I don't think you're being completely serious, but you said, like, I feel like part of of you truly thinks at least a little that because there's a ring on your finger, I'm, like, essentially like a property. No.   K: Okay.. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I like this on my apology.   No. Okay. Never. You You're my partner. You're you're a team member, your partner, you're not my part. Okay.    Never, never. No. I'm sorry, go on.   M: Keeping score, you say you don't do it, but it feels like you do. An example, left a box on the bench for a few days and then said that I should have put it away. And I said, it's your box and you responded, yeah, but what was in it, Charlie's stuff and you said you'd take care of it.   ...
Read more

Good grief, the uneeded shenanigans!

Preface: So I’m trying to revise the way I do things. So instead of asking for permission for something I’m going to nicely just kind of lead in with this is what I’m going to do. Because I shouldn’t have to ask for permission to do things. Not to say I'd be all "HERE IS WHAT I'M DOING! DEAL WITH IT!" But less ask permission, more ease into this is what I'd like to do. So Tuesady night I said hey, do you have any plans on Monday night or anything going on? He said no why. I said well Bev would like to take me out to dinner for my birthday. He said OK...but why can’t you take you Tuesday? (Which is our normal night to get together because we do pilates.)  I’m like well we have pilates Tuesday and he said exactly. And I just kind of gave him the look and he said no it’s fine. So then as we’re getting ready for bed, I was like oh and don’t forget I have Cousin Jen coming in Friday night. And he said "oh, so you’re gonna be Doing your thing Monday, Tuesday, Wedne...
Read more

Response to the non-apology

I appreciate the email. I appreciate you being able to calmly, rationally, non-violently explain what is “wrong.” I do not appreciate how you choose to do it in real life and face-to-face. I agree, we feel the way we feel. We are all entitled that. Should we be able to talk and vent to each other? Of course. But, there’s an unspoken respect that that also needs to be present—one where name calling, yelling, condescension, swearing is checked at the door. I know you’re not happy. But honestly, I feel like you are never happy. There’s always something wrong. There’s always something that can be improved on. There’s rarely ever a time where you’re satisfied or just take the win for what it is. I’ve said this MANY times before: sometimes it’s OK to just be OK and enjoy/savor the little things. Not everything needs to be one-upped. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of you.  And, if you live your life expecting only the best 24/7, you’re going to be let down majority of th...
Read more