W...TF AGAIN!?

 Ok, so I went to Vegas for Cousin Jen's bday. I was gone Thursday night through Sunday (arrived home 7:30pm). K and CHarlie picked me up even though mom said she would. He pushed it. Whatever, that's fine. He seemed weird when I got in the car - the weird like "ohhhhh, great. What now?" I tried holding his hand and then he'd put it back on the shifter. Again, whatever. Didn't question it. Asked if he was ok and he just said tired.

Some kinda cluster fuck happened early in the week - he was pissed because I told him I was going to get a call from Cousin Jen around 6 or 7 "Could you have picked a BETTER time to do it?! All you've done is talk about her/them since you got home." Ummm, what else do I talk about? It was HER birthday event. It passes. Whatever.

Thursday night I went to Pilates with Bev. Evvvvvverything was a-ok before I left. I texted after that I was going to stop by Bev's but wouldn't be late. Got home 9pm...weirdness. Are you ok? "yes." Ok. So I try getting Charlie to bed and K just goes downstairs. No goodnight. Closes door. Awesome. Something is up. Finally get CHarlie to sleep at 10 and I go down pretending to be all cheery and ok. Ask him "what's going on?" Nothing. Ok...something seems wrong. Commence shit show!

I figured he was pissed because I was later than he thought would be? But, no. This was everything I don't do and then some. 

  • The biggest thing is "I am overwhelmed and my body HURTS. I can't keep doing EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME and not getting and help."
  • I don't do anything around here and he does everything. I walk right past roomba instead of putting it back on the charger. I said no, actually i put it back on the charger yesterday when I saw it. "Oh, one whole day. And I do it every other time!"
  • The plants almost died because YOU don't water them. Ok, I'm sorry. I did water the herbs yesterday. "But, did you do the lilac bush?" Nope. "Of course not, so I have to do it. I work my ass off making this place look good. I go out and buy shrubs and do the planting and you do NOTHING to help." Ummmm, I never asked you to do any of that and the fact that you get mad because I'm not keeping up with the way you want it done?
  • "You don't know how to do anything on your own. You always ASK ME. JUST DO IT! What would you do if you were still in Aurora?!" Ummm, the deal was YOU handle the outside and I handle the inside? "You don't even do that! I clean the bathrooms I clean up downstairs. You just move things around." Excuse me, no. I also do bathrooms as well as the upstairs and NO it's not immaculate but I have to constantly clean up a huge mess
  • "I've told you I need water checked every week and I do it myself!" (This is for the fish, btw) And I said I asked you on Monday and you said not to worry about it. "You know it needs done every week! You dont even check the pool to see if it's ok!
  • You're home all day and cant even take minute to blow off all the pollen and crap on the driveway so our son has a clean place to play. You just send him out there. "Uhhhh, hello! Im not usually outside with him and when Im home i'm WORKING." He rolled his eyes
  • Then the sex issue started. Shocking? Not so much. This time it was I never try and I never play with him I always go in for the kill to get it over with. Truth? Yes, sometimes I just want to check the box and call it a day. "Well, I need passion! You used to love XYZ and now it feels like you're just forcing it and it's not good." Gee thanks. "I never complain about not getting XYZ" Uhhh, you dont but you hold it over me.
I was arguing back. Getting "defiant" and being "ignorant" as he loves to call me out on. And then I flat out said THIS is not ignorance. THIS is me standing up to you because what you are saying is NOT true. And, it's not ignorant or disrespectful. I should be allowed to talk to you how I feel and not be judged because you certainly do! "Am I yelling at you? No. Am I treating you like an asshole?" Actually, yes. (That fueled the fire.)

I kept saying either get it all out or I'll just go upstairs. "Don't you realize that is what you ALWAYS do and it never helps anything? You always just walk away. IT DOESN'T HELP." Well, the convo is going nowhere. When I attempt to explain myself or correct you when you're wrong you say Im being disrespectful and ignorant.

Asked what the end game is here. In his ideal world, what would I do RIGHT NOW to end this crap. "IDK. Sit down by me for 5 minutes? I haven't seen you all day. I pretty much got home and you left. Maybe try having a little quality time instead of always thinking of everyone else first and putting them first."

Dude needs friends. Badly. I need to get my head in a stronger place and make a call because this is unhealthy. I think we need one last-ditch effort with a marriage counselor who actually steps in and takes sides when needed. Not just lets us do the talking. Because if I am in the wrong, I want to know. If he is in the wrong (which he is more often than not) HE needs to know. And, if he can't accept it, well, that's that. 

When he woke up this morning he gave me a big hug and kiss and apologized for taking his frustration out on me last night. I'm still bitter and annoyed. He ALWAYS starts these issues. And, he doesn't see it. HE is the one who is so upset about everything not being perfect. But in his mind, he sees it as bringing something up as a point of discussion then I take it and get all bitchy and defiant and that starts the fight. Never him. Only me. 

Fuck.


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