Calm...

 Calm. Calm can be extremely relaxing and terrifying and liberating all in one.

Saturday I went to a bridal shower and said I thought it'd be maybe 2-3 hours. I texted at 330 to say I was helping clean up then would be hanging with my friend that I haven't seen in half past forever. I got home around 5pm and of course, there were issues. 

Now, admittedly, I was in "the wrong" because I should have been more upfront and texted him more (?) to let him know that things were running late or what not. However, I was told that I was "extremely selfish" because of everything and that he was hungry because he was waiting because I was going to bring food. I corrected him and said, no, I said I would bring leftovers if they had them. 

Night was annoying for a bit. Then, he went out, cut wood, smoked (obvi) and came back a new person. Ya know, the person I love to love.

Sunday was Oktoberfest. I was anxiety ridden from the SECOND I woke up. Took a Xanax around 9. Was feeling good. I was sad because I really missed Papa and that things just aren't the same anymore. But, we had a good time. Of course, K didn't speak to my cousins and that always feels awkward to me. He was DD so I had a grand ole time.

We got home and I was just bumming. I was sad! So after I get Charlie to bed we're sitting out front and he says "Can I ask you a question...can you tell me what's bothering you?" I can't remember if I tried to deflect at that point or if it was the next time he asked, but eventually I told him, I miss papa and I just want everyone to be ok with each other/get along again. He asked me to explain and I said with him and the girls...Commence the spiral.

He freaks out about how he will NEVER forgive them. She's a predator and destroyed a young kid's life and reputation by what she said and people will always look at him differently. I said NO ONE else knows. And, he scoffed and got all K like "oh yea, ok. 'no one else knows.' That's bullshit." Well, I had no filter and I do NOT RECALL BEING MEAN, btw, since ya know, I'm told I was mean to him. But, I did say that HE is the only one holding this grudge. And he got re-pissed alllllll over again.

He keeps pushing the "you didn't have to pick up the pieces and fix the heartache..." and blah blah blah. And, I said YES I know, but I have forgiven and chosen to move forward, it's YOU with the problem. And, that didn't go well. And it was a shit storm that he literally stomped away from and went inside. We barely talked, though I tried just being generally nice/cute/whatever. Like acting normal.

Monday morning things were just off. But, I was pretending to be right as rain. Didn't really say much to him aside from talking to Charlie through him "oh, Charlie, did you tell daddy XYZ." At one point got all incredulous with the "haven't even said 3 words to me. That's great. Real good effort to fix things." I simply replied "talking works both ways." Wild animal eyes  COMMENCE. 

Pretty much it turned into me being mean and "raging" when I'm drunk. Again, I do NOT recall being mean NOR raging. If anything, I was annoyed/animated when I was telling him what the problem was because I knew he wasn't going to like it. AND, I flat out said, you shouldn't ask me something if you don't want to know or accept the answer!

So time goes by and we take Charlie to the park and I'm not being anything but "there." I wasn't snippy or snarky or grudging. I was just doing my thing. He asked "can we try and have a nice day?!?" I calmly replied, YES! Absotootly. And proceeded to just be soft/nice. Not overly nice. I made no apologies nor do I plan to.

So the scary part of the calm...I'm just done. I don't know what that means. I don't know what my next steps are. I don't know. But, I do know that this is the bullshit of all bullshit. So. We shall see what happens. But, right now, I'm riding the calm train and trying to just enjoy it. 

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