I need to be the villain...

I figured it out. The issue. What has to be to be done. I need to be ok with being the villain. I have to be ok with being the bad guy. Because THAT is what is holding everything back. That is the roadblock. The hard stop. The problem.

 

Yesterday was a mixed bag. He had a REALLY rough day. Took one of my Xanax at work which made him super tired. He got home (somber/sluggish mood) and wound up falling asleep on the couch. No biggie though. Whatever. He got up when Charlie wanted to play with him and they were doing their thing. Of course, Charlie wound up having a moment and K asks me if I told him about my trip. I said yes. He mega rolled his eyes. Because of course, his thought is OK, you caused this because he’s upset you’re leaving.” Whatever. Life went on.

 

Backstory/Side note: I did give K a big hug in the kitchen at one point—because he was visibly upset. And was cutting some cheese (lol) and I came up behind him and hugged him. Also, the night before he mentioned being ok not getting a BJ because he’d wait for a “proper” one the next day. 

 

Flash forward to Charlie. After he crashed, I went downstairs and we chatted a bit. Played pool. Then went up to look at the fish for a bit. He opened up (again) about how mad he is at his dad and how much anger he holds against him. How he could NEVER imagine treating Charlie like he was treated. How he has NO positive memories with him and how strangers (per se a la Papa/my family) treated him like a true and valued son. He vented about the cluster fuck at work that day and said “you don’t understand” which is true but I tried to listen and be there for him. I didn’t talk. I just listened.

 

We started getting ready for bed and he had the light on in the bedroom. I turned it off—but I had a feeling he had it on because he wanted some lovin’ he could see. We got ready for bed, I got in bed and could feel he was tense…I tried to make a move and then it triggered…

 

“You did the same thing last night and I said no, but you pushed. I wanted to wait for something more. I want something special, I want you to put effort into it.” Commence spiral.

 

He started getting loud and yelling at me. I starting shushing him because I didn’t want to wake up Charlie.  He eventually got up and got a drink. I went out and talked to him a bit. It came down to the fact that “I need to feel special because I never felt that way growing up.” 

 

He’s upset that I don’t enjoy/want to take care of him the way he needs. He wants me to put on a skirt, sexxxies, whatever, and make him feel that I loooooooooooove giving him a BJ a/o lovin’. He flat-out said he wants to feel special and I don’t do that for him.

 

Earlier he was going on how much anger he had for his dad. I truly believe he needs to talk to someone to help to sort through that because it is ROUGH. He can’t imagine how a person could be so cold and uncaring (but he doesn’t see he’s doing that to Charlie and me). He doesn’t see that he IS HIS FATHER.



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