From Villain to Hero?

Well, tomorrow's the big "Amanda" day. Mom is coming with me. 

I started thinking that maybe instead of the villain of my story, perhaps I need to look at it as being the hero of my story? Not to say this is a rah rah situation by any means, but if we're not happy, and things don't get or stay better, maybe it's time to be the one to say, HEY, we gave it our all, but it's time to move on? Rip off the bandaid. Stop being miserable and seek what will make us happy. 

He says he loves me more than anything and he would NEVER intentionally hurt me, but he doesn't see what he's like when he gets pissed. I guess the other thing is at least I'll have all my info and what not and if it comes down to it, play the "you need anger management/outside therapy" card or else XYZ.

It's so hard because there are good days and bad days. Of course when other people are around we are this perfect couple. It feels good at the time, but then it kinda hits that this is more of a show than anything else. I'd love if we could maintain that "momentum" but it never seems to last. 

He says it's because I have a "2-week window" where I'll change and what not and after 2 weeks WHAM! Back to "regular Maria." Perhaps if I didn't feel like I was living a lie it'd be different? Some days, yes, I feel that rush of love and all that seratonin blasts...but most days it's walk on egg shells feeling. Again, he says that's a me thing and that HE is the victim who has to watch what he says or does, but I don't see how.

I feel like I'm just living life on the surface. I'm not 100% there. Just kinda being. And, that sucks. It'll feel good talking to "Amanda" just to see what the options are and what to expect/do/prepare for. But, it's also terrifying like OMFG, this is a HUGE step to take. 

Kacie made a statement that has been in my head since we talked "you'll know if/when you're ready to take the next step when deep down you feel you WILL be happier/better off single than in your marriage." Not to say like alone, "oh, woe is me, so lonely." It's a scary thing to think about or come to terms with. 

I know if it goes that route there will be MASSIVE fall out. I didn't try. I just gave up. Too hard and I ran away. I just don't care. I'm selfish. I only want what I want and fuck everything else. Just to name a few.

Yea, I just feel like I'm living on the outside of me. I'm kinda watching what's happening and being involved BUT not actually being there. A weird state of limbo, I must say. 

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