It's going down for real...

 Dear. God. What a fuckin' weekend. 

Let's begin with the kickoff debacle...

Summary: Cousin Jen came in town on Friday. I stayed at mom's because of thes ituation. Saturday, Uncle Joe and Aunt Paula were coming over. Jen mentioned she'd love to see them. I said ya know what, come over. 

In the morning I came home and instead of asking if he’s ok with it, just casually said “Mom and Cousin Jen are going to drop by to see UJ/AP for a little while” and the amount of anger/rage that went into his eyes-geezus. Pupils went black and he was furious. 

I’m selfish. How dare I come home and TELL him that. I only think about what I want. I never take his feelings into consideration. Im selfish. Did I mention selfish?  How dare I not ask him first. And he told me this is not how marriage work (in terms of me not asking permission). I fired back with you’re right this is NOT how marriages work and he stood up and came over, ready to tirade on me and  I looked him dead in the eye and I said “don’t you dare.”


I'm upset with myself that Charlie was there for it all. Charlie felt/noticed everything and told K stop being mean, stop talking to mommy like that. He even came and sat on my lap and gave me a hug and said "you’re not selfish." Etc. He wouldn't  drop it. I asked him why he’s holding this grudge and what good it’s doing and he gives some BS answer. I said it’s not our lives and he won’t accept that. He just wont let it go. I did start saying ok ok, enough, not in front of Charlie. And K kept trying to-- and  Charlie kept saying, “talk like mommy” which means not yelling or being an asshole, but Charlie saw through all of it, lol. 


K asked for a pill. I gave him a xanax. Told him if he’s going to be like this when they get here, I will call and tell them not to come. I also told him to get his pen—which he scoffed at and fired back but, as per norm, was walking away and being all passive aggressive so no clue what he said. 


Saturday went by "OK." But then the night hit. And again, it all went to shit. I'm selfish. I'm a selfish, disrespectful princess. How can I be ok destroying this family and leaving Charlie with a 1-parent life. I'm like ummmm what? And he said he'd move out of country. He fucking hates America. I said so YOU would do that to Charlie?  "No! YOU are doing that to Charlie and I will tell him that."  The night ended terribly. 


Sunday: Awkward. Straight-up awkward. I took Charlie to visit Cousin Jen at mom's in the morning then came home and we all played outside for a good portion of the day. But, we didn't really have any convo whatsoever. I was happy when he smoked (you can always tell because he gets chatty).  So there was at least that. It did make me laugh that at one point Charlie said "mommy, daddy said you're mean." And I had to laugh. lol. K claims he didn't say that but, come on! Why would a toddler make that up. 


Flash forward to night and Charlie didn't crash til 9. I was hoping to get by unscathed and around 10 said Im going to bed. As I walked away, he sadly said "so this is it, isn't it." And I said it might be--because I wasn't ready to say yes. Then he was more aggressive "what's that supposed to mean!?" I said you're not happy. I'm not happy. Let's just see if Josh has ideas or insights. He seemed ok with it so I went to lay down. Not even 10 minutes later...


He busts in, turns on the light and tirades. Key points:

  • You can't just be happy. There is something wrong with you where you just cannot be happy and are always waiting to pick. Are you sick? You need to be medicated. 
  • Where do you think you’re going to live? What do you think you’re going to get. You don’t understand the court system. You don’t have any savings. If I take away your insurance you are FUCKED
  • You want to divorce I will make it miserable
  • I already have one ex-wife I don’t need 2
  • I am the best you’ve ever had and you're never going to find anyone better than me
  • You’re not going to take my son from me. Ya know what? Wait 10 years. He’ll be 14 then divorce me
  • Where I live will be none of your business
  • You dropped the nuclear bomb Saturday. You couldn’t have done it differently? NO this is all on you.
  • You don't appreciate anything. You are SO spoiled! You wouldn't have the pool without me. You wouldn't have your car without me. I MADE YOU $30K. I DID ALL THE WORK. 
  • You need to be happy - I cannot make you happy. YOU NEED to find things to make you happy. I can't be the source for that. 


My take/feelings:

  • His reality is absolutely skewed. He truly believes he is 100% right in all aspects
  • I told him he holds everything over me. Nothing is to just be nice, it's like it's meant to be a "bargaining chip" for all that he's done and how ungrateful and selfish I am
  • He asked what I want? I said peace. And he lost it and claimed we had a month and a half with no issues, (brought up my bday and he got mad because it's been almost a month and I'm holding onto it like a dog with a bone, lol).
    • Peace is reactionary. The second something happens or he doesn't like it or it inconveniences him, THAT is when I want/need peace
    • I'm scared to ask him for things because of how he reacts - it's always a crime against his humanity
  • He is trying BUT I am waiting for things to blow up like this. I’m not poking the bear but when things happen, but when they happen, they are INSANE. 
  • Charlie has even started talking about when we’re fighting. And he actually says when you’re fighting and daddy‘s being mean. And that breaks my heart - I don't want Charlie being part of this. 
  • I DO have things that make me happy - but he isn't one of them. He flies off the handle. He makes things about him. NOTHING is ever good enough...
There will be more. We have a Josh call at 12pm today...Kinda scared for that. 

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