Where do we go from here...

 

I was having a rough night one night and reached out to a friend who went through hard times and asked how he knew he was ready and/or not ready to make a move. Here's what he said:

"After lots of arguments and walking out on each other and standing by my convictions. It was a many months process and lots of conversations to finally acknowledge that she wasn't going to change what she thought was okay to do, and I wasn't going to change my belief on what I believed was appropriate or inappropriate while in a relationship.  And her telling me numerous times that I was the problem and needed therapy, and to get over it or find someone else.  So I finally said fine, I'll find someone else.  Very very hard after only 2 years together.  Love was still there, and I still care very much for her, but we were ultimately two very different people and it wasn't something I could be a part of anymore.  And she didn't fight for us.  Refused to make any compromise.  She was unapologetically who she was and I felt unloved, unappreciated, unimportant, and more so disrespected."



That really hit hard. Because I am her. K LITERALLY says he feels unloved, unappreciated, unimportant, and disrespected. I've hit the point where I'm trying to be unapologetically who I am (but not in a mean way). I'm just me. Is that a bad thing? No. Do I feel like it's a bad thing? Yes, because what if "me" is one who's tired of compromising. Tired of fighting to make things ok. Tired of being the one to change? Because that's where we're at.


It's been a rough week. Sunday he went to a speaker at Brecksville library and I stayed home with Charlie. Mom came over. Britt and fam came over. I was cooking and enjoying wine...a little too much (didn't eat much). So it hit me hard. And, of course, when that happens, I get more irritated at his K'isms than normal, and of course, become "ignorant, disrespectful, mean, and bitchy." I recognized that night and apologized on Monday. 


Yes, he had a right to be pissed. I let him vent. I agree, I can be embarrassing. I was embarrassed and ashamed, but it happened. I can't take it back. We've all been there (not an excuse, but a truth). I let him take out his frustration and say anything he needed to say. The best I could do was say I was sorry and work to NOT get that way again.


He's still upset. Last night he brought up me telling him Cousin Jen is coming to Thanksgiving vs asking him. To him that's disrespectful. As a partnership I should have asked. I don't agree with that. He says I was extremely selfish. I only think of myself.  I told him I had a 50/50 on what I was going to do...either say "hey, Cousin Jen is coming" (conversationally, like I did). Or, "Would you mind/be ok with her coming." I didn't TELL him, like "HEY! She's coming whether you like it or not." I just smoothly added it to the convo. 


His response: "You always say you have a 50/50 on what to say and you always choose wrong. You're always wrong." I started crying. That sucks. I can't win. I CANNOT win. 


Tensions are high. I really don't know how to get around them. I don't want to have to fall on my sword and take a knee or lay prostrate asking for forgiveness. I understand what he's saying. I'm not TRYING to make him feel the way he does. I...just don't know.


I feel like we both want the other person to be someone they're not. He says I was this way once and I changed and I need to go back to that person. But, I can't. I just can't. 

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