10-26

 



We’re in the bathroom and he’s like "so, I guess no sex tonight." And I was kind of taken aback and I said we can if you want. And he said that I was being confusing because when he got home from work and I was all lovey and he figured when I got home from Bev's, maybe we'd have some "quality" time together, but no.  I didn’t hug him. I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t do anything when I got home We played pool and I kept my distance away and then that was it. I told him I didn't mean to slight him if I did, it's just been such a weird/awkward week. "And, you're doing nothing to make any of it better." 



And, he started talking more and I told him that this is important but I don’t want to have this conversation at 10:30 at night because it's late and he said "well you weren’t home before, so when were we supposed to?" Now, I think that was a low blow and said to make me feel guilty. I'm sure he would disagree and say "you're doing what you always do and twisting it."


He went on to say he shouldn’t have to ask for affection. And, again, told him it’s been a really weird week. 


Charlie got brought up again where he said I pick one thing he said and hold onto it (i.e., I intentionally hurt my child bc I let him use his pacifier or watch TV) and I told him I DO other things with him and I DO get "nani" out. "Well I never see it." I shot back with "YOU'RE NOT HOME DURING THE DAY! THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SEE IT!" "OK, so prove it to me. After work or on weekends, because I see you giving him whatever. Now I feel like I'm under his thumb. 


I tried explaining that things just feel awkward. And he keeps saying that it’s me. He’s told me exactly what he needs and I’m not giving him anything now. I give all my love to Charlie. And it’s just how he responds and how he acts. It shuts me down. And then if I say no, he’s being standoffish or he’s not reciprocating or receptive to a hug he’s like "oh that ONE time. See?! You're holding on to one thing." And it’s like no, it’s happened more often than not and it gets awkward and I don’t wanna do it then. "But that’s what I need."


He said "I'm miserable." And, I said I'm trying, "You're not! You think you are but you're not doing anything. It's just getting worse."  And again this is at 10:30 at night and I really did not want to get into it cause I had taken and Aleve p.m. and a Benadryl and I was knew I was gonna get tired and I don’t know. It wasn’t the right time to start the conversation.


But then Charlie was in our bed (more toward K's side) so he came over and snuggled behind me on my side so I was in the middle. It was just weird.


And, he says it's always about me, what I want. And, I get worried, is it? Am I the monster? Am I that bad? Am I so focused on what I want that I can't see that I am a problem?


And, there are 2 big issues. 1. I can't freely talk because he shoots me down or argues with me. 2. I just don't want to. 

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