Random Kacie Questions

10-19 He came home and things felt weird. I asked if he was ok and he's like "why do you ask me that every night" and I said well, you seem different and I just want to check and he said "maybe this is just how I am now. How do I not let myself make some thing a big deal before the big deal? We usually sleep in the nude but as Charlie’s getting older, to me, it is feels kind of weird. So, last night I put on pajamas before getting in the bed and he kind of had attitude or it felt like he did. And, said "oh you’re wearing clothes now?" And I explained and he was like "uhhh, ok. He gets in bed with us every night. Whatever." And, I backtracked and said oh well, I can always just change when he comes in bed. And then I took them off, but at that point it felt weird and stressed. Again, why am I giving in like that or how do I stop? 10-18 I was crying and upset. Then a little while later I tried to get frisky. But he was all “now?” I said yes. Why not. “Why yes? You were just crying and now you want to have sex”. I said yea what's so hard to understand ? Well I don’t always want a quickie. Ok, time passes and we were going to bed and I asked if I’m supposed to pretend to be in the mood (because before he was all "I want you to enjoy it and not pretend" but he said yeah sometimes. How the hell am I supposed to know when? I even asked if we need a code word for when I need to because that's kinda fucked up. He’s also upset that I "didn’t think about anything of what he said" while I was with Joanne. "You were gone for four days and you couldn’t think about this at all?!” 10-16 Now I’m home and I feel really anxious because I'm worried I'm not going to show enough appreciation for what he’s done (living room clean and taking care of Charlie). I DO appreciate it...but we're a team and this is life. 10-15 The night before my trip...Mom was coming home from Croatia and he called on his way home asking if I wanted him to stop at store and pick up stuff for her house because last time I felt like an absolute asshole for not. He's on his car phone and couldn't hear me so got attitude and I'm sorry, I snipped back because it's not my damn fault the phones are wonky. He said text him a list. So I did. 3rd text in I thanked him for doing this... He gets home 50 shades of pissed of because he says I’m just being ordinary. The way I talk to him the way I treat him everything. And I said I’m sorry. I went and gave him a big hug even though I had NO urge to and I’m trying to snuggle on him and he’s just all whatever. And, I said I’m sorry (again with apokigies) and that I've been sick, I just need time and he said "I've given you that, this week, this month, the past couple years," and it’s like DUDE! And I said I can’t really take back time and he of course he was all whatever about that. But also...did he REALLY need to start this the night before I left? I wanted to go to bed early because I had to be up at 4am for an early flight and I get that. I did call him out in double standard and that got blown over with "everything's always MY fault" nothing is ever yours... Random Questions/Thoughts Why do I let him win? Why is what HE thinks/wants trump What I think/want? I always give in but I want to stop He levels with me that he knows I’m going through stuff but essentially he's upset because I’m not doing anything for him. I even tried to remember (and did) to ask how he's doing with papa's anniversary and how he's feel. We haven’t done a check in in forever and he doesn’t bring it up because he wants me to show him initiative. And he knows I’m going through stuff, but...Always a but.

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