Grant me the serenity...

Prefacing this that Kmakes a valid point because he sometimes tries to talk to me and not that I’m trying to be quiet or aloof. I just answer the question and then that’s it. 

So, the other night, he was asking me random stuff while I was filling Easter eggs and, not that I wasn't trying to purpose;y NOT engage in conversation, but I would just end with "I don’t know." And, when I said that he got all like up in arms, "what do you mean you don’t know!?" With that condescending tone. So then I’m like OK OK OK, I’m sorry. And that just spiraled into everything else--that I go about life, just walking past him and acting like he’s a stranger and all this other shit. And then we laying in bed and he started getting loud and I told him to quiet down and he did. But he says that he’s "done all this changing for me and I need to step up and do something too." And I was supposed to call my doctor About my lack of libido and I told him I was planning to go when I have my physical and I was waiting to get my mammogram letter first and he’s like “well you know you can go two times, you don't have to wait." 

All that being said, I don’t know what to do. I think my problem is I really don’t know if I want this to work. Or if I’m so stuck in my own mind like I normally get that I can’t see what I want?

And I thought of couples counseling. They say couples counseling only works when both parties actually want to make things work but right now I don’t know if no if if I wanna try. I’m just tired of always feeling stressed and always feeling like nothing is good enough and always wondering what he’s gonna be pissed off about now. Which he turns back on me that that’s a me issue and I need to get over that and I need to stop making more more of things than they are--especially when they’re not a thing. And, that makes me feel like I’m going crazy. 

Everyday just feels like an uphill battle 

He got all bent out of shape on Sunday and was walking around upstairs and got all “Can you just be a little organized?!" Of course, I couldn't say anything back (like, ummmm helllllllo you leave stuff everywhere, too, and I don't say boo about it) because then I’m "fighting back because I can’t take criticism." But I don’t ask him for stuff like that

Next issue: "I don’t want you to spin on Sundays. Shouldn’t Sundays be about family? You just don’t get it." I said why can’t Saturdays be families? “Oh, because the house will just magically take care of itself.” He acts super butt hurt and gets so incredulous. Then NOTHING I do is right. Like, he asked me how many ounces in 2 cups. I said 16. He had water boiling on the stove and needed to make broth. He was nowhere to be seen so I added enough powder to make 16oz of broth. I told him what I did and he get all pissed because I "did it wrong" the recipe only called for half water half broth. But, I wasn't looking at the recipe. I was looking at the broth directions. And, what's the big deal!? Water it down!

He apologizes for being moody. And, the day goes on - I still feel stressed and nervous but he seems ok. Then, Charlie broke out into a big rash and we were going to take him to Urgent Care, but he wanted Abba to go. And, K started getting all flustered about all of us going so he said he's stay back. The ONLY reason I was pushing him to go was because I didn't want him claiming I was taking parent stuff away from him. THat's neither here nor there, but when  I get home from taking Charlie to urgent care and he looks around the kitchen and gives me the "well look around and praise me" because he "cleaned" everything up and put away the food. (But of course it’s not really cleaned up - I still had to go back through and re-rinse stuff and get the food put into actual containers. Not being petty, just making a statement). 

It's just SO FUCKING TAXING ANYMORE