Not Dead Yet

We've been watching a show called "Not Dead Yet," and I feel like it's the anthem of my life a/o it's speaking to me (no pun intended). But so many things happen or are said that just resonate so deeply. And, I know it's just a show, but I can't help but be sad/jealous/upset that I can't be as strong as Nell is. WHAT is wrong with me?!

The episode we saw last night, Edward told Nell she's not herself around her ex/current BF. That she is smaller. And, I was like YEP. Totally get that. And, my friends have told me that as well. I don't think it's as much now as it was before, but still, totally get it. 

Also, I've been so blah. Like more so than the normal blah. Extra blah. Like "should I be medicated for depression" blah. OR, am I just in a funk that I can't pull myself out of. Because, I know if I were to talk to my doctor she'd ask how things are at home, and it's like, "oh, ya know, not sure how I'm feeling about everything so that's not helping."

Is it normal to not be horny? Is it normal to get annoyed at "groping" when it never bothered me before? Is there more to all this? 

The problem I have with trying to figure this out is I have a tendency to get stuck in my own mental mud and have no way out. Like, I become what I'm thinking or wondering EVEN IF it's not legit. Kinda like high school. I kept saying I hated it so much, I believed it. But, I never really did. When I broke off my engagement with Dan, I refused to believe my friends were still there for me, and pretty much ostracized myself. 

I dunno. I also wonder/worry/laugh that maybe this is all because I've been sober since Ash Wednesday, lol. Mental clarity causing all kinds of issues, lol. 

I know life isn't like a TV or movie, but sometimes, I wonder if it could/should be. Papa always told me that the grass wasn't always greener, so if I was going to make a move/jump, make sure I did it for me and not for anyone else. But, in the same, would it be out of the frying pan and into the fire? I just don't know.

Being wayyyyy overtired and overworked and overstressed about work isn't helping anything. And, K hasn't been bad, but just the normal stuff that is hard to get past because in the past he was legit, whereas now he's "joking." Such a conundrum. We don't know how to joke with each other. We don't know how to talk to each other. Sigh. IDK. Now, I'm babbling. 

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