RANT


Lord help...He makes a valid point, because he sometimes tries to talk to me, and not that I’m trying to be quiet or aloof, I just answer the question and then that’s it. So, he got really upset last night that he was trying to engage in conversation and I would just "end" the convo by saying "I don’t know." Mr. Condescension came out and was all "you don't know? Listen to yourself?! You Don't KNOOWWWW .." So, then I’m like OK OK OK, I’m sorry. 

And, then everything  just spiraled. It turns into me just walking past him and acting like he’s a stranger and all this other shit. And then we laying in bed and he started getting loud and I told him to quiet down and he did. But he says that he’s done all this changing for me and I need to step up and do something, too. I tried to crack a joke to lighten the mood (which is a KNEE JERK REACTION that I have limited control over) and he got wayyyyy pissed off. "7 years and when has that EVER worked?! I've changed the way I talk to you and you need to do the same."And, then he startted on the fact I was supposed to call my doctor About my lack of libido, and I told him I was planning to go when I have my physical and I was waiting to get my mammogram letter first and he’s like “well you know you can go two times. You don't have to wait. 

All that being said, I don’t know what to do. I think my problem is I really don’t know if I want this to work. Or if I’m so stuck in my own mind (like I normally get) that I can’t see what I want? I get into ym head a LOT and then I hold my heart/mind hostage and can't think straight. 


Then I started thinking, do I have a right to get upset at how he chooses to be upset? Like do I have a right to hold it against him or it kind of turn my attitude on when he gets the way he does? Because, everyone handles/deals with things in their own way. Who am I to judge or hold it against him?


And I thought of couples counseling again...but couples counseling only works when both parties actually want to make things work, but right now, I don’t know if I do. Do I want to keep trying? I’m just tired of always feeling stressed and always feeling like nothing is good enough always wondering if/what he’s be pissed off about now. Which he turns back on me that that’s a ME issue and I need to get over that and I need to stop making more of things than they are especially when they’re not a thing--which in turn makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Is that gaslighting? Or a legit argument. I DON'T KNOW!


And, I thought of calling my lady for a 911 appointment, but I started wondering why I feel the need to have someone else tell me what's right or wrong? Why can’t I just accept that what I’m thinking or feeling could be the right decision? Why can't I just make a call/decision on my own?! It's infuriating on my end. For me.


So what do I do? What do I do when I don't want to try? There's a parent's night out event at school where we can drop off Charlie from 6-9 and he mentioned doing it and I just did NOT want to. AT ALL. That's so, so bad. I know. But, like this whole shit show started with...I DON'T KNOW.

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