The real problem...communication

 


Sadly, I realize that THIS specific problem is truly on me...I cant talk to him. I talk to my friends, my mom, my counselor, my blog/journal, but I can't talk to HIM because of how he reacts...and he doesn't get it. Because when I try to explain that it's how he reacts to things or handles things, he gets all up in arms and upset which in turn gets me flustered and I lose my courage and direction and then I just don't want to talk.

But it's not "fair" to him that I hold everything in and vent to everyone else. Of course he should think he is this deity of a husband who does no wrong and should be praised. Because I NEVER push back on him. I don't ask for help around the house because I know he's busy. I try and handle it. But heaven forbid MY desk is a mess or things are messy at just the wrong moment and there is HELL TO PAY. Then, I feel all nervous and have to start helping doing whatever he's doing SOLELY because I'm trying to avoid further blowback.

My counselor told me the only way to approach a narcissist is to keep things concise and to the point--which is a problem for me because I dont want to hurt anyone so I try and explain and rationalize which I guess somehow gives narcs power that they can twist back over us norms. It's insanity. So, she suggested I write everything down and present it as calmly and straightforwardly as possible. I've needed to do this for a while, I just havent because, quite honestly, I'm just tired. I'm so drained and spent and just empty. 

Side story - I have marshmallow chicks on my desk (the circus peanut kind that papa and I always ate) and Charlie asked if he liked those and I said no. And, he asked if Daddy liked them and I said no, but Mommy really likes them. And, K made some remark about me "poisoning my body" and doesn't want to hear it when Im complaining about my body or not losing weight because I'm eating that kinda junk. Ouch. I didn't say anything, just kinda sighed and walked away.

But, yea. The communication is huge because he doesn't know the extent of what is wrong and I need him to. I also need to man up and say if he can't handle/live with a lessened libido, then it's also not going towork. He likes to get to the "YOU want a divorce" because it's like he's twisting it to be me. So if this "fails" it's my "fault" essentially.

I just can't I am just SOOOOOOOOOOO mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need a break and I just can't seem to get any because nothing is good enough. I don't feel like every minute needs/has to be family time, but it seems like he doesn't feel we have enough. I am here EVERY day minus 3 hours Thursday night to see Bev and 2 hours Sunday to see Risa for spinning. But, that's it. Since the "break up" with Greg, things have regressed to the way they were - he has NO FRIENDS and NOTHING to do so it falls on me.

I need to get my ducks in a row. I need to say what I need to say. I just fear the blowback and how bad the tension/things can get. My counselor also suggested asking him if you can record him when he blows up because he doesn't believe he changes or gets irrational when he sooooooo does. 

He sees his own reality and no one can say or do anything against it. 

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