My Grumbling of the Week

 So, it totally comes down to HOW he talks to me. That is my trigger. He sounds angry and mad and condescending and annoyed. But, what if that's just the way he is? What if that's the "norm" but I never recognized it before? I don't remember him always being this way..but what if he's right and I'm just overly sensitive? 

Example: Charlie came in our room this morning at 5am. Wouldn't lay down in our bed, he wanted me to come back to his room. So, I did. Fast forward to K getting ready for work and he was like "Why don't you just tell him no?! Tell him to go back to bed. Tell him he'll get a surprise if he stays in bed! Why do you always give in to him. Things are getting worse NOT better.

Sigh - of course I felt all edgy and blah after that. And, then he seemed moody and weird. Yes, he's not a morning person by nature, but his morning moods just feel tension-laden. 

One of my friends asked if he changes his tone when others are around and I realized he does (usually). If he's in a mood-mood there is NO escaping that. But, generally he keeps it more upbeat/not so gruff. "Nice" if you will. And, she made an exceptional point...he KNOWS what he's doing and turns it off. So, on some level, he must know he's wrong.

Things are just so heavy. We had a surprisingly good Easter (no typical holiday blips). But, nothing feels organic. Nothing feels natural. I feel like I'm always trying to figure out how to act or tread to avoid there being a blow up. 

I'm going to do a My Truth Part II because it's NOT fair of me to not talk to him about everything that's going on and give him a chance to change or talk it out. I've tried telling him the reason I don't talk to him is because of his reactions but it's normally said after he has already started something so I get dinged for not being the one to come to him first and since this is HIS time to vent, I need to hold my tongue (he's never said that, but it's essentially what he's getting at). 

Everything is transactional. If he does something he expects something in return. But, it's not that easy OR necessarily the right way to go about life. I don't make his gourmet lunches for work because I expect anything. I do it because I know it makes him happy (or at least used to). I don't do his laundry for any other reason than I'm trying to help out. I don't have ulterior motives for doing things. 

Also, I really don't know what he expects me to think of to do at night. He gets so upset that "every night is the same." Ok, well Charlie is sleeping. We can't go anywhere. We can do our own things, watch TV, take a soak, do some house project that needs done, etc. Yes, sex can happen but I don't want NOR do I need it every day. And, it's not fair to make me feel like a bad wife/person if I don't want it or if I jump when he touches me (because yes, I do. I don't need to be groped to be shown love. And, it's total groping).

OH! And, it's mind blowing that he doesn't take ownership of stuff. We were leaving for mass and it was raining like crazy and he said"Charlie! You forgot to bring in the charger. It's all wet." He wasn't mean about it, but why put that on him? I mean, a bike or toy--something a toddler can comprehend, ok. But a charger? You're the adult. That's on you.

Not sure if this is anything or if I'm just making it something, I don't like that he'll bring up stuff like how much sugar is in "that crap" (circus peanuts) on my desk and I need to throw them out. Stop poisoning myself. Then says to Charlie, "and mommy flinches or hits my hand away when I touch her belly because she doesn't like it. Well, those aren't helping." It's like a side dig. He's said stuff like that before, too. Not directly at me but hinting that I wouldn't be as upset with my body if I didn't eat certain things. Grumble. Now, I'm re-irritated. Lol.

And, as I always come back to...sometimes good is good enough! Not everything needs to be plussed up. We don't HAVE to do EVERYTHING together ALL THE TIME.  It's ok that I just watch TV. It's ok that I play on my phone. Not everything needs to be weighed in on or "opinioned" or talked about. Just let me leave my life and not overthink it or be forced to reevaluate things when I think I'm doing pretty ok. Why instill self doubt? It's ridiculous.

-Fin

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