The Great Cluster-Fuck Convo of the Week

 W...tf. 

After an iffy Tuesday, I asked if we could have a judgement-free check in. These typically entailed a free/safe space to TALK about anything that was bothering us or on our minds without fighting. Ha. Not so much.

Charlie was absolutely adorable and SO cute with us on Tuesday. But, Wednesday was a different story. He was anti-daddy and VERY gremliny to him. It got so bad while K was pushing him on the swing, K literally blew up, said "I can't fuckin' take anymore of this shit," pushed past Charlie in the swing, said you can sit there by yourself, and stormed downstairs. I asked Charlie why he was mean and he said he didn't know, that he wanted to get down and daddy wouldn't pick up something he wanted. I told him we need to apologize, took him downstairs, and had him say he was sorry for being mean, he loves him, and to come upstairs and play. K said no and sat outside for a bit. I told Charlie he HAS to be nice to daddy because it makes mommy sad. He said ok and when K came up, he was alllllll about him. Whew.

The convo didn't start until 9pm and I had hopes it would go well because the air didn't feel tooo heavy. But, not in the cards. We sat down, clicked glasses (manhattan for him, ginger ale for me--i wanted my wits about me). And, I started...I don't feel like I can talk to you. INSTANT defensive action.

"You don't even TRY to talk to me. It's always me talking to YOU or bringing things up to YOU!" Yes, but that's because I don't feel comfortable and I don't like how you act/react. It triggers me and makes me clam up. "Oh, so it's all MY fault. I've been the one doing all the changing. You've done NOTHING. Give me an example." At this point I'm flustered already and said I don't have one, but I will think of one. "You always do this. It's the same with every counselor we've talked to. You say you can't talk to me but you can't give me an example of a time that you did and my reaction that bothered you. How can I change when I don't know what I'm doing." Valid point, but I could NOT think of a time. However, as the convo wore on and he got heated and angry and riled up I said THIS is what I'm talking about! "No, I'm trying to have a conversation with you and when I'm talking YOU need to listen. It's MY time to talk." So that got shut down right there. But, I said I would come back with examples.

Then he said "divorce is off the table. that is NOT something that will happen with us." Then was like "Im asking you, do you want a divorce? Tell me. I don't want to be blindsided if that's the case. Just fucking tell me." I said no, I don't, but I don't want/can't keep going like this. It shouldn't be this hard. "Hard? Seriously? Did you think marriage was supposed to be EASY?!" Well, no but not always so difficult. "Well, that's just because I am doing everything. I am the one making the changes. I am the  one who cares. YOU stopped caring and I Don't know why.  I've done everything you've asked. If we were having this conversation 5 years ago it'd be going down differently but I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. You've changed for the WORSE."

Next point was he's so much more demanding and bossy. He orders vs asks. I used spinning with Risa on Sundays as an example. "Are you fucking kidding me?! Sundays are supposed to be FAMILY DAYS. When you go, that's 3 hours out of FAMILY TIME that you're not there. Saturdays are meant for chores and housework, not Sundays. Sundays are about FAMILY and you want nothing to do with me and Charlie. No wait, I just mean ME." Rough - I said that's not true and the arguing continued. 

He started getting manic within 15 minutes. Going from yelling and swearing and being irate to suddenly getting quiet and saying in a hushed, sad tone, "I just don't understand why you don't care. I don't understand why you don't want to fight for us. I don't know why you can't see what you're doing to us and that I have changed everything you asked but it's not good enough. There's always more."

I said ok, YES, you have changed for the better in the respect you don't yell/swear at me as often (tonight, not included --didn't say it, but thought it). And, he asked "tell me how you changed? Tell me how you show you care? Tell me what you've done to make this work. See? Your silence says it all. You can't think of anything because I'm right."

I brought up the double standard of him getting to freak out, speak off the cuff, mumble under his breath, be snarky, but I don't get the same grace. "Yea, because I call you out when you do it. I STOP YOU when you're being ignorant and disrespectful. You don't say anything to me." Uhhhhh, I'm allowed to feel how I feel and have my own opinion and it doesn't have to match yours. "I never said that but I won't take my wife disrespecting me." I'm not TRYING to disrespect you but if I scoff or roll my eyes it's because it's disbelief at what you're saying. I cannot believe what'd happening and that is my reaction. "Well, I told you your reactions are a trigger for me and you don't stop them. So again, how have you changed."

Round and round and round. It got to the point where I said ok, we're not getting anywhere. And, he agreed but tried to get in the last word and started raising his voice and I said NO. You yell or swear at me again and we're done for tonight. "This conversation really doesn't need to continue." Um, yes. It does because I need to give you examples of how you react. "OMG, why do you keep bringing up the past?!" I'm NOT but I want you to know WHY I can't talk to you. 

I asked if I could record the convo because I wanted to be able to reference it for answers I ened to give because I got flustered and he was like "Ok, whatever. I'm surprised you don't already have it recording. What are you doing anyways? Are you trying to use it as evidence against me? Or, do you just want your mommy, errrr mom to hear it." Um, no. Like I said I just want to be able to deliver back what you need.

He also said he loves me but doesn't think I love him. I tell him ILU before work, end of phone convo, and before bed. But "DON'T say it to me unless you mean it. You tell everyone else you love them, too. I don't believe it when you say it to me so DON'T just say it. It has no meaning to me." Ouch. Ok. So we go to bed and turned on my side but bumped up to him (I normally sleep on my side) and he got all pissy again and said "Oh, so you want things to be better but you turn your back to me and don't even try to snuggle." Against what I felt like doing, I rolled over and said no, I just usually sleep on my side because my back hurts. "That's bullshit. I always sleep on my back even though it HURTS. SO don't tell me that." So, I snuggled against him and tried to fall asleep.

This morning he told me that this is all on me. "If you want to make this work, it's on YOU. You need to make changes and figure it out." No. You won't put this all on me because it's NOT just me. "Yes, yes it is. YOU are the one doing this. YOU are the one who doesn't care. YOU are the one who hasn't done anything to change or make this better. I thought I married a fighter, but you're just giving up." No, I',m not. But, this is NOT all on me. Charlie called at that point and I walked out. 

Sucks. This. Just. Sucks.