I Can't Get Out of My Way

 So, I got roundhouse kicked in the face by a realization that is an extremely hard pill to swallow...I am not happy. But, I am also not willing/strong enough/ready(?) to make a change. 

I know I need to talk to K and let him know where I'm at, but I just can't. I am not that strong. I have no clue how to even get there (aside from when he starts something because that's when the fire gets going and I feel better able to speak my truth. 

Was watching Station 19 and the past couple episodes are just hitting WAY too close to home. Like, knocking at my front door close to home. Maya's mom leaves her dad (after 20 years) because she just accepted that he has been emotionally and mentally abusing her and she was done with it. Maya, of course, says her mom is all drama and doesn't believe her or want to believe her. Then, Andy is remembering how her dad and mom used to argue and the mom said "you're being critical of me" and Pru said "if I'm being critical, maybe it's because I'm not happy!" And, all that was like just like OMFG WTF ASL:KFL:A DSFJ"LDSJFDKJGSLDKJFLKSD:FJLKS:DJFLSDKJFOQEUR(QEFKLDS

*Grumble*

I can't give K what he wants. Did I used to? Yes. It IS all about physical side of things. He claims it's not always about sex, it's about intimacy. But, even that. I just don't want it. I hate being ogled at and nipple tweaked or boob grabbed or tonsil hockied whatever. Even when it's just in "jest" because it NEVER just in jest and somehow (soon) it'll go back to me not being affectionate. Which I feel is coming...

Spiral spiral spiral. 

I think I'm legit depressed. Lately I just CANNOT wake up early to save my life (which I usually have NO ISSUE DOING because it's my "me" time). I get hella tired where I feel like I could fall asleep in an instant. I suddenly go on night/day rages and eat as if there is NO tomorrow. Out of control, I tell ya. And, then...I just feel sad. And, weak.

Because I am not strong enough to do what I need to do. My lady isn't doing it for me anymore because while I love her, she just agrees with me. And, yes, I KNOW I am mostly right, but I also want someone to counter me. To challenge me. To make sure I know that I am at fault (which I do, I am not infallible I know that). But, when I talk to her, it's like venting to a friend who is always on my side. I guess that's why I want a non-Switzerland marriage counselor, one who steps in when they need to and doesn't just let us "talk it out." 

 I keep asking Papa for a sign. I feel like such a "failure" in the sense that I am just living this "meh" existence because I'm scared of what will come next. I'm scared of losing the house. I'm scared of K going bonkers and doing whatever he will do. I just don't see it going down easy. I'm scared to throw Charlie out of whack. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm just...scared. 

We only get one life to live and it is SO MUCH EASIER to preach vs practice, so wtf, me?!

Fuck.

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