Fucktastic Night

 Geezus...last night was a shit show. I came home from dinner with my SIL and K and I went out on the porch and had some wine, then more wine. Came inside and I was trying on dresses for a wedding we're going to. Things were a-ok. Then he got all "love making" on me and I started crying. The emotional bubble burst. And at first, he was calm and asking what's wrong and to talk to him. Then it all went sideways.

I said I was overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning. And, we're not on the same page. He asked for further explantation. I was getting flustered and brought up a time last week that he got home and the first thing he said to me was "you couldn't pick up and charge roomba?" It bothered me. He set the tone for the night IMO. I dont like that. The first thing from either of our mouths shouldn't be negative. Well, he was a dog with a bone and would NOT let it drop.

Kept coming back to why can't I let things go. It was nothing. I made too much out of it.Etc. etc. Was I drunk? Yes. But I KNOW I wasn't being mean, I was trying to explain to him what was going on. And as for overwhelmed. I dont have an answer I JUST FEEL IT!

This morning before he left, he made to tell me I was a jerk and "normal drunk Maria" saying whatever the hell she wants. Or something to that effect.

So today, I visited Papa, got some clarity. Texted and apology, then followed up with a phone call. Heated conversation that ended ok, but he was going on about I was mean and I asked for an example and he was like "we're not rehashing everything!" I said, ok, I'm asking for 1 example. And he said how he's trying to make love to me and make me feel good and I start crying and bring all this up. If that's me being mean, well, no. 

The convo kept going (I recorded the end because I need to revisit it at some point) and it was weird shit. Why can't I just lay there and enjoy it? Why do I always have to find something to be miserable about. we don't have "real" problems (i.e.,  money, addictions, infidelity) so I constantly dig for something to get upset with. On and on and on.

I also said I'm forever walking on eggshells and he scoffed and said if anyone is, it's HIM because he can't say anything without me getting upset and turning it back on him bc he's the asshole every time.  

Ended on a decent note. He said "I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed" and that I can talk to him about anything. We're a team. Blah blah blah. It's like once the rage subsided, his clearer head prevailed.

Sigh.

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