Again...it's not WHAT is said...it's HOW...

Let me preface this with "it's not what is said, it's how it's said..."

Charlie spilled milk on his carpet in the playroom a week ago and it got SUPER stinky. So I brought out the carpet cleaner, took care of it, and left the cleaner there in case I'd need to do it again. Well, it had been sitting there for 5 days (this I admit). It's not that I was too lazy to put it away, I just didn't think. I forgot. 

Flash forward to Sunday and we’re in the kitchen and he says "can you empty the carpet cleaner that's been in Charlies playroom for FIVE DAYS? Why has it just been sitting there?" I was a little annoyed by that because my first thought is "if it bothers you so much, why can’t you just do it?"

I mean, I understand. I was the one that cleaned the carpet and I was the one that left it there, but if it was that much of an issue, then step up and just do it (which I brought up) and that kicked off an issue on Sunday. "I've been picking up and cleaning up all weekend! You need to finish what you started. Everything is always a mess..." etc etc. I let it drop but was still annoyed so I brought it up with Josh on our call...commence fucking shit show.

The root of the issue is that he didn’t just say "hey, do you mind emptying the carpet cleaner? It’s been sitting there for five days." It’s how he’s raised it. It was that condescending tone of "hey! Why can’t you ever just finish what you started. It’s been sitting there for five days. It’s stinky milk. It needs to be emptied!" He claims he asked nicely and I ALWAYS take things wrong when they're negative and make things a thing.  

Well, that of course turned into an entire thing he can never talk to me about anything because I take everything out of context and I never want to hear anything negative. I understand what he’s saying there. Nobody likes to be told they’re doing something wrong. But again, it’s a communication issue. It’s how he says things versus WHAT he says. And that’s where we miss. We’re not connecting. And, he doesn't see that.

The call was an absolute wreck and at the end, Josh asked to talk to me vs us and asked how I was doing. I had a breakdown and just said it's how he says things. He doesn't see himself as being wrong. He doesn't see me as having a point. Josh brought up something called the "Victim Triangle" and that is K to a freakin' T!

So then last night goes as expected...AWFUL. AFter Charlie crashed I went downstairs and asked if he wanted to talk and he said, "Oh, do you want to talk about what you did? WHAT YOU STARTED?!"  And, he goes on just saying how we wasted Josh‘s time and he probably questions why he put himself through school for something like this and how I sound like a spoiled princess with that remark. People have REAL problems he could be helping but no, I need to bring up "roomba 2.0." He also demanded "talk to mom, your friends, and your SHRINK and see what they have to say because this is a YOU issue, not an us.  Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"

This morning I apologized that things got out of hand and was trying to explain and he would have none of it. Pretty much reiterated that I sound and act like a spoiled princess and we hadn't had problems in the 3 weeks we didn't talk to Josh but of course I have to pick something to make a problem.

I talk to Kacie at noon, and of course now I'm all "omg, is it me? Do I purposely take things out of context to start something?" I don't think I do, because it's HOW he says things to me. I don't want to be chastised or talked down to. I don't want to feel like I have to grovel and that's what the root of the original issue was. Sigh