Galentine's Drama

I had a Galentine’s wine night on Saturday. I got drunk…too drunk. He said I was “mean” to him but I don’t remember any of that. I asked what I did and he wouldn’t tell me. He demanded I talk to my “shrink” and my mom about it. I said they’ll want to know what I did, and he still wouldn’t tell me. “Tell them something from the past, it’s the same every time.” I feel like I’m being gaslighted. 

I feel awful that I lost control like I did. But, it happened. Not to make excuses (which sounds like I’m making excuses) but I haven’t been drinking much these days. We used to drink a lot more, and I have since cut back. Does this happen at bigger parties? Yes.  Is it a pattern? I hope not but I can see how it looks like one. I know I have a lot of papa’s “isms”—one of which is his drinking and it’s not the best. But, I’m also cognizant of that fact and work to not get there. Have I failed? Sure, but I’m TRYING. Also, I want to note until we started having issues, none of this was a “thing.”

I apologized for it, but my “words mean nothing.” I said I can’t take it back; I can only try to not let it happen again. “That’s what you say every time.” I really DON’T know what to do. He keeps bringing it up and making me feel bad. I am embarrassed by it, but constantly telling me how much I fucked up/hurt my family (don’t understand that one)/looked like a zombie/couldn’t even sit up. None of that is helpful. 

He then got on my case that he’s been waiting for 3 days for me to update him on what my mom and my shrink said—but I told him, I’m not sure what you intend to get out of that? “Oh, you tell them the bad about me and that’s it, but when it comes to you, it’s nothing?!” No, I never said that, however, they all agree that it happened and it’s over.  It’s like he wants me to tarnish my reputation with them and make his shine? 

It's like he gets a kick out of being a sadist. 

Kacie said to mention that he speaks to me with contempt (often). That this is quite toxic and he needs to find a way to regulate his emotions because all he does is blow up and blow me off. 

My goal for OUR therapy is to stay married and improve communication so there’s less discomfort and static. He claims that couples IS only for ME because I am the problem (essentially). He really doesn’t see or believe he has a hand in this. 

I know I’m not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I can push his buttons when I want to (though I realllllly try not to). 

He wants intimacy but I can’t give that to someone who is constantly on me. He claims I’m a pessimist but he is the one who is never happy. He’s always looks at things to pick at. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing can ever just BE. I’ve said it before and I will say it until I die—I don’t strive for mediocrity but I also don’t think that EVERYTHING needs to be plussed up. 

I am exhausted. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. I have nothing left in my tank. Around 4pm I feel the anxiety kicking up. When I hear the garage, my stomach drops and I’m praying he comes up in a cheery/talkative mood rather than setting the tone with his attitude. He wears his heart and ALL emotions on his sleeve and he doesn’t realize how apparent it is when he’s upset or riled up or annoyed. He scoffs when I say he "sets the tone" but he totally does. I need nanny cams.

Charlie is starting to understand and see things and feel things (more) and that scares me. I don’t want him thinking this is right. I don’t want him thinking THIS is how life and family should be. 
I’m just so confused. It shouldn’t be this hard. And, I know that. I’m scared of the next steps. I’m not even sure he understands what dire straits we’re in, because he keeps harping that “we will NOT get divorced.” I don’t want a divorce, but I also cannot live like this. I can’t. 

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