Back to feeling like it's me...

 GAHHHHHHHH. 

Last night K got home and seemed OK'ish. After Risa left, he said, "ok 2 things..." And, I'm thinking OK, here we go.

"I'm not criticizing but...when you're playing outside with the garage door open, can you just blow out the garage? Or at least close the garage so they don't come in. The garage is full of leaves and you just left them. It'd really help me out." Ok, that's fine. I get it.Then he started on with Charlie...

"You need to feed him dinner! He didn't eat any actual food after school! t's not about your friends or going shopping. YOU need to feed him dinner when he gets home." Ok...he said he wasn't hungry and I'm not going to force him. "Force him? He didn't eat anything! It's not about you or shopping or your friends. You need to feed him! When's the last time you actually cooked for him?!?! He goes to Wendy's Tuesdays and Thursdays. He doesn't eat dinner Wednesdays. You give him cereal for breakfast. Do you actually think he's getting the proper nutrition?!" Ummmmm, cereal IS breakfast. "Do you really want to argue with me about this right now?"

Then it continued on for a bit. He threw in "I'm not trying to criticize" and I'm like ok, but I was miffed. Do NOT make me feel like a bad parent. Which I know, no one can MAKE YOU feel like a bad person, YOU make YOU feel like a bad person...but whatever/

Later he came up and said "Come here, give me a hug and kiss. I don't want you to be upset the rest of the night. I'm not trying to be make you feel guilty." I said ok, well, honestly, I feel like when you're saying that you are criticizing me. "Oh, my God! I can't help how you feel!!! I would never intentionally criticize you. I’m just trying to have a conversation. I'm trying to talk to you. You need to get that out of your head. It's all about the topic and you not liking it. So pick your poison."

Flash forward to the today...for breakfast he asked for a breakfast sandwich. And, in the car, he asked Abba to take him to Subway for lunch. And, maybe it's conspiracy theory on my part, but I feel like he's trying to protect me from K's wrath. :-(

So am I the asshole? He keeps telling me his intentions are not to make me feel that way BUT I take them that way. Is this my fault? But it IS the way he speaks to me/say things. They're not nice but I don't know how to get past the surface if that's really what it is. Just the surface. Not the full content/underneath. He's foreign, words don't hold the same weight to him as they do to natives...or is that an excuse?

I will say, though, Charlie can sense when he's being a dick. He was right there during the "feed him" tirade and when K was trying to touch him he'd hit him or pull back and pretty much NO DADDY, you're bad! (Defending me, which is so sweet but makes my heart break). 

I think the "pick your poison" was either he can talk to me like he was OR he can be full-out raging asshole K (I'm not sure--it made sense at the time, though). But I will say, "I can't help how you feel" really stung. 

So we were out by a fire and he started venting about his parents and how much anger he has for them. And, his father. He never played with him, took him to a park, told him he loved him, etc. "I can't imagine that with Charlie. I can't imagine blaming him when he gets hurt (he was referring to when he was younger and broke his wrist really bad and his dad yelled at him). He was going on about how he can't understand how anyone could treat people like his dad does (sadly the apple does NOT fall far from that tree, but I didn't say that). 

He DOES need anger management help. Or someone to help him through his "past life" because he carries that around like a backpack full of bricks. Is that my request/ultimatum? Get anger/adolescent bad times management or else? I feel like an asshole because he did have a reallllllly hard life. Extremely hard. And, here I am, judging him on the words he uses versus the meaning behind them? FUCK. GAH. 


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