Response to the non-apology

I appreciate the email. I appreciate you being able to calmly, rationally, non-violently explain what is “wrong.” I do not appreciate how you choose to do it in real life and face-to-face. I agree, we feel the way we feel. We are all entitled that. Should we be able to talk and vent to each other? Of course. But, there’s an unspoken respect that that also needs to be present—one where name calling, yelling, condescension, swearing is checked at the door.

I know you’re not happy. But honestly, I feel like you are never happy. There’s always something wrong. There’s always something that can be improved on. There’s rarely ever a time where you’re satisfied or just take the win for what it is. I’ve said this MANY times before: sometimes it’s OK to just be OK and enjoy/savor the little things. Not everything needs to be one-upped. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of you.  And, if you live your life expecting only the best 24/7, you’re going to be let down majority of the time. 

I really think you should consider talking to someone. You have an anger issue, and when you get upset, you see red and NOTHING else. For example: 

Wednesday, you were coming at me in front of Charlie. That is WRONG on so many levels. I will NOT stand for him being present during our “spats” or “tiffs” or whatever. I’ve told you that you set the tone and I/we can tell when you get home in a mood. When Charlie says “Daddy! Stop yelling at mommy!” or “Daddy, you’re not nice!” or “Daddy, you’re being mean, go away!” or “Mommy, just walk away, don’t listen” it’s because HE IS TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM YOU. He is literally calling you out and you don’t see/hear it because you are so enraged. It’s like you don’t register that he’s there—that he’s witnessing the fallout. The look on his face when he was cowering in the corner absolutely broke my heart. 

Let it be known, if you ever come at me in front of Charlie again, I will shut it down. If you try and keep it going, I will take Charlie out of the house until you calm down. I am NOT standing for that behavior—I do NOT deserve it and Charlie doesn’t deserve to be part of it. Charlie’s at the age where he can sense and SEE when there’s a problem. And I’ve said it before, you wear your emotions on your sleeve. Without saying anything, everyone knows when you’re upset, or bored, or whatever emotion you’re currently dealing with.

On the Charlie front, HOW you go about things might be what makes gremlin on you. Yes, you can force him to eat something and he'll go on to say "oh, yes, that's good!" and want more. But, putting him in headlock and shoving food in his mouth is not OK. Telling him one thing and then changing the rules (4 bites and you get a cookie. Nope! now you need 3 bites of XYZ) makes him not trust you AND also shows him how to lie. 

You brought up me coming to bed without a single word or kiss. Ok, so why didn’t YOU say/do something? I’m always (and yes, I will say always because it’s true) the one who does the kiss/g’night before bed. But, what’s stopping you? You get upset when I say I don’t have a plan for dinner/the night/the weekend/date night…why don’t you offer up something? Why am I the one who gets in “trouble” for not having things planned out?

I never want to make you feel lonely or unloved. That has never been my intention. You say that it’s not just about sex, but honestly, I feel like it really is. Think about how many times you crack a sexual “joke” or make an innuendo and I roll my eyes or sigh. Then couple that with how many times you say “when’s the last time you…” in regards to anything sex? AND, then feel vindicated when I can’t give you an exact date?  All signs point to sex! And, yes. Yes, I’ve been trying to check the boxes lately even when I’m not in the mood because if I don’t, things around here get exponentially worse and more tense. I want to WANT to have fun with you—not be forced/coerced into it because you want more than ordinary.