Manifesto

 What needs to be said...

Adoration / Sexual Pressure:
You take Josh's "adore each other" too literally. My definition of adoration is completely different than yours. You seem to think it means sex and intimacy. For me, it would be snuggling without it needing to be more than that. The more you push or nag about sex, the less I even want to consider the idea. 

Condescension / Verbal Undermining:
You often say, "You know I never mean to hurt you, it's just how I talk," but that doesn't make it okay. Just because it's not meant to be hurtful doesn't mean it isn't.

I "Can't" Talk to You / Communication Intimidation:
Maybe it's not that I can't talk to you, but that I feel uncomfortable doing it. And that sucks. I want to say what I need to when I need to---but if I misspeak or say something unintentional, it blows up. And there's no taking it back.

I don't like feeling like you're mad at me. I don't like the heaviness of the silence. I don't like the way your eyes change when you're upset---those huge pupils. I don't like when you raise your voice, yell, swear, or do things that feel intimidating. I'm scared---not necessarily of you, but of the situation. Or maybe both.

I also don't like there being tension---especially when Charlie's still awake, because he can feel it. I know he can. It's like when he tells you to "stop yelling at Mommy" or "stop being mean to Mommy." He's an empathetic kid, and while you think you're coming across as teasing, he clearly doesn't always see it that way. And, he's very protective of me, so when there's a little heat and you say you're "just talking to mommy," he doesn't believe it and will hit/kick/yell at you to protect me.

Dismissive / Emotional Invalidation:
When I bring up things you don't agree with or understand, you get extremely dismissive. Like when I brought up that I was a little upset I didn't order the black car---I said it was something bothering me. Your response was, "Well, you already put money down. Black cars show scratches." But it's my car. And I'm mad at myself for not sticking to my guns and holding my ground. But I didn't feel like I could say that.

Holds Grudges / Emotional Manipulation:
Example: You get upset because I don't always "play along" with you. I told you to calm down---yes, jokingly (and I know I shouldn't joke when you're mad), but it was lighthearted. Still, the rest of the day was tense. Later, I apologized and said, "Sorry again about before, I didn't mean anything by it." And you just shrugged it off. But it clearly lingered. You hang onto things and don't let them go.

Overly Sexual 
Maybe this is just the way you've always been. But over time, it's started to turn me off. I don't know what to do about that. We had sex the other night---with a toy---and sure, it was good. But the next day it was sexual jokes and comments again and again. And they don't feel like jokes. They feel real. They feel persistent. And I don't find them funny. I don't want it.

It's not like you can just give me a playful smack on the butt---you have to take it 10 steps further. Not just a quick grab or touch. It's like a full-on grope every time.

Owning Me 
I don't think you were being completely serious when you said it, but part of me thinks you truly believe---at least a little---that because there's a ring on my finger, I'm your property. I had just gotten out of the shower, and Charlie came in, and you followed. You grabbed me between the legs. I pushed you away and said, "Not in front of Charlie," and your response was something like, "You're mine. I'll touch you where and when I want." You didn't say it meanly---but matter-of-factly. And that's honestly even more unsettling.

Keeping Score 
You say you don't do this, but it sure feels like you do. You left a box on the bench for a few days and then said I should've put it away. I said, "It's your box," and you responded, "Yeah, but what was in it? Charlie's stuff that you said you'd take care of." It's like the carpet cleaner thing. You can't just be wrong or let something go---you always have to come out on top.

Double Standard
You can walk away during an argument, but I can't. You can say whatever you want, and I'm expected to just take it. But if I speak up, it turns into a whole thing. You can leave your keys or fish stuff on the table, but if I put/leave something there, it's a whole production.

Disrespect / Inconsistency:
If I roll my eyes or snap back or get what you call "that ignorant look," you accuse me of being disrespectful and take it to heart. But I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I'm just reacting to a situation that I find frustrating. I'm allowed to feel things too. I don't have to always agree with you. And, not to play the "well you do it, too" card...but you do it, too. You are extremely passive aggressive when you get upset or irritated and roll your eyes, walk away, get huffy, shoot back at me.

Coercive:
You literally said to me, "How do you expect to make us better if we don't have sex?" That doesn't sit right with me. If you want sex and don't get it, your whole mood changes. There's this heavy tension in the air, and unless I give in, my whole night is ruined. Or, if we do do something, and I'm not into it, you get upset. That I'm just "checking the boxes." Sometimes, yes, I do just that. Because I don't want/need to hear how much sex you're not getting.

People/Things Change 
I believe people grow and change. You don't seem to. That's a huge issue between us. You don't understand why I don't want sex like I used to. But I don't like feeling sexualized 24/7. You give me "the nod," expecting me to flash you. And if I don't, you get upset---not every time, but it feels like more often than not.

Friends/Family
I'm not going to mince words with this: I want Jen back in my life. I miss her. I know you feel betrayed and disrespected by her and are upset that she hurt me, but I forgave her. What happened between her and Tommy---that's between them. 3 sides to every story---his side, her side, the truth. But, staying mad at her that she hurt me...that's no good. That needs to go away. I want/need her in my life.

 Emotional Regulation:
I've said it before, I really think you need some kind of anger management/better coping mechanisms. You don't see yourself as having a problem but I feel you do. And, there are better ways of dealing with things and handling things than how you do.