Transcription of Events 5-14

 Anniversary Eve. Manifesto came to light. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I said IDK. Conversation ensued. Transcribed version of events that I was able to record (for posterity and just for reference). 

M: I will say that. I don't think you're being completely serious, but you said, like, I feel like part of of you truly thinks at least a little that because there's a ring on your finger, I'm, like, essentially like a property. No. 

K: Okay.. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I like this on my apology. No. Okay. Never. You You're my partner. You're you're a team member, your partner, you're not my part. Okay.  Never, never. No. I'm sorry, go on. 

M: Keeping score, you say you don't do it, but it feels like you do. An example, left a box on the bench for a few days and then said that I should have put it away. And I said, it's your box and you responded, yeah, but what was in it, Charlie's stuff and you said you'd take care of it. There was a box. It's an example. It was a box over there. 

And it's it's like the carpet cleaner thing. It's like. Can I explain? 

K: I never hold a score. I told you this a million times. If you feel like this, I'm sorry, but this is not how it comes. 

Never meant. We again, we are partners. There's no scorekeeping, there's no testing. 

There's Can you please understand that? It doesn't feel like that to me. Okay, I'm telling this to you. 

M: Okay, well, I'm just telling you. Okay. So it doesn't feel this way. 

K: Can you get this on the back on your head? Can you please remember this is not true? Okay. 

No scores, no testing, ever, never. This doesn't exist in my vocabulary, as a marriage person, you, my partner, we are a team. 

M: Okay, all that I'm saying is it doesn't feel like it. 

K: Okay, okay. Okay, doesn't feel like you love me. Okay. But you love me, I assume, right? Mm hmm. Again, you see? Same thing. I'm not keeping scores, I never, never, ever, ever testing you. But I want you to be my partner, then. I want you to be a team member. Go ahead. 

M: Back to the ticket, but if I speak up up, it turns into a whole thing. Examples, you leave your keys on in fish stuff on the table, but if I put something, it turns into a production. Just an example.. Disrespect, if I roll my eyes or snap back, or get what you call that " ignorant" look, you accuse me of being disrespectful and take it to heart. 

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, I'm just reacting to the situation that I find frustrating. I'm allowed to to feel things too. I don't always have to agree with you, and not to play the will you do 2 card, but you do it too, a lot. 

You're extremely passive aggressive when you get upset or irritated, you roll your eyes, you walk away, you get huffy, you shoot back at me. 

So, yes. coercive, like, you literally said to me, how do you expect to make us better if we don't have sex? And that just didn't sit right with me?  It's like if you, if you want sex and you don't get it, the whole mood changes and there's a heavy tension in the air and if unless I give in, the whole night's ruined, or if we do do something, but I'm not into it, you're upside again because I'm just quote unquote checking the boxes. And sometimes do I do that? Yeah, but I do it because I don't want to hear or I don't want you to say that you're not getting getting enough. 

I can't force myself to want it. 

People and things change. I believe people growing change and you don't seem to. 

K: Well, I believe just said you know maybe with the doctor. Maybe the medication you're taking, maybe whatever something is affecting you. And because he even also surprise. First of all, you're not 80 years old, you're 40 years old. You should have some kind of drive. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You should. You're not married for 30 years. 

You're married for seven. Different story, honey. 

M: I believe people growing change, but you don't seem to. That's a huge issue. You don't understand why I don't want sex like I used to, but I also don't like feeling sexualized 247... 

K: I'm not grabbing you anyway. more than having lot of stuff? 

Thank you. Yeah, you see you haven't noticed it. Thank you. 

But you haven't noticed it. I have not. Yeah. 

But I appreciate it. But think about it. You see what you see Is that what I'm saying. 

I'm changing things. I'm adapting to all your needs, but you don't see it. So even tough I do something.. you.. 

M: Friends and family, I don't I'm not going to mince words on this. I really want Jenny back in my life. I miss her. 

I know you feel betrayed. 

K: Then you go to her. She's not coming here. She's awful person, she's a terrible person. She destroyed your nephews life. She could destroy your nephew' life. And this is unacceptable. I cannot stand her. I I want to puke every time I see her picture or her name. It's. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, she burned the bridge. All the lying, everything she'd done, she didn't make a single thing to make it better. And she almost destroyed your nephew's life. 

And this is, you want to have a relationship with her, you go to Columbus. 

M: That's something else we're gonna have to talk about, because I don't agree.. In fact---

K: This is my house. She did this shit in our house, and she's not staying here ever. This is this is no. 

It's my house. That's fine. She can come for a birthday, she can come for wherever. She never stays here again., never stays, sleeps over here. Never. She can go to mom's house, she can get a hotel. You can go there, you can do whatever you want. What she'd done is unforgivable, because in my opinion, not as a family member, she's an awful, an awful, awful person. Bad person. Bad, because you don't lie about shit like that. I'm sorry, especially about your family member. because I had a conversation with Tommy. I've seen his face. 

I had to explain. I had to have his back. And this is not something you can just forgive. lying for months., months, all the Facebook bullshit. Months. So I'm sorry, no. She would never stay here again. 

M:And my final thing is just that anger management, I'd said it before I think you said it again. I think you need some kind of anger management. You don't see yourself as having an issue, but I feel you do. There are better ways of dealing with things and handling them how you do. Okay. You wear your emotions on your sleeve, which we all know it makes people feel awkward. 

K:That's fine.. I don't need people. 

M: But that's not a way to live. 

K:Maybe it is for me, because you can't even how is it okay for you not to say anything even to your mother when she's gone?? That's okay? At least I have the balls to say something when something is wrong. You know what? 

That's why I am. I'm not gonna pretend I'm not that person. No. Because if something is wrong, I'm gonna tell you something is wrong. When something is good, I'm gonna tell you, something is good. I'm gonna be fake fake myself for someone to make somebody else feel better. No, absolutely not.' Because we live in this nonsense crazy freaking world, because pretending to be something else somebody else. Or not to somebody else's feelingsings. 

You know what? Maybe you should hurt somebody feeling once in a while so people can wake up and stop caring about everybody else, not just themselves. yeah. 

Okay. Have you listened? Thank you. I didn't roll my eyes. 

I wish it'd come from you, just, you know, just sit down. I say, "Hey, honey, I would like to read this to you." I would really appreciate it, you know? Really appreciate it. That's hard when it always comes from me first. Because that means you don't care to me. That's. That's what I say, you don't care. This is example, how, why, why I feel this way. Because never nothing comes ever from you. You only read this because I cannot had to force you to it. you know? So how do I suppose to feel that you care? You would never say this to me. You read this to me if I was in not done, but if we wouldn't have to go through all that, right? So, how is it okay? 

Me: Because  that's me. 

K: No. No, it's not 

M: That's a very poor excuse. That's you. This is the double standard, though. This is where you can't just say that this is me. No, you said that. No, no, I'm saying you said that. That's the double standard. When you said that, you know, that's just you, you don't need anyone. You know, fuck pretty much whatever anybody else think says. 

K: No, no, absolutely not. Not everybody. No, I don't. 

M: Okay, I didn't mean everybody. This is.. When you you said... 

K: Love, you married me. You knew who I am. You chose that. 

M: I did, and like I said, you've changed. You've gotten better, but you've also gotten, like, not worse, but you've gotten more. I don't.. I don't know the word for it. 

K: I.. never pretend to be somebody else. I always wear my feelings on my sleeves. That never changed. I always stay away from the fake people and bad people. I always knew who is good, who is bad. I have that talent to say. I told you about your realtor the second I met her. and other people, too. So don't ask me to change my instincts. 

M: I'm not asking me to change your instincts.

K:  But that's what it is. With Jen, for example, she's your cousin. She might have a great relationship with her, but she's a bad person. You don't see that because, again, she's your family, but she is. She's not a good person. 

She might be nice to you, but she's not a good person. 

M: Okay, stop talking about Jen, please. 

I just don't think we make each other happy. Like. 

K: What do you want do that then? How do you want to move? I'm not getting divorced, so you figure it out. You either put your fighting mode on, or we're just gonna live like this? Til child Charlie gets older and then we can divide everything and move our ways. Because I am not losing my son because of you I am not doing Sunday Monday crap. .

M: You would never lose your son.

K:  Do you understand that? I am not doing that. 

M: I understand that. You're also the one that said you'd moved to Thailand. 

K: Why would I stay here? 

M: Why wouldn't you stay by your son? 

K: Because you choose to divide us. 

M: No, no. That's being dramatic. 

K: I'm sorry. No, I am never giving up on you and my family. Do you understand that? You are you're the one that's giving me up. I'm fighting every day.  I'm fighting every time I talk to you. Every time I ask you uncomfortable question, this is me fighting for us. And you you gave up? So, yes. Yes, honey, I'm sorry about it to you. I am not doing what Greg is doing, the bullshit Monday, Sunday, whatever crap. 

I'm not doing this. This is my son. This is my. This is my blood... I am not dropping him off on my to some fucking stranger. 

M: What stranger? What are you talking about?

K:  Whoever are you dating at some point. Oh, my God, I'm not talking about... 

M: What are you talking about? I'm not talking about dating anyone. I

K: I'm just, I'm.. I don't care. That's so'm not even so removed from this situation. My child's separate because you have an issue. This is our son. We're raising it together. So you please figure it out how to make us better, because I am fucking trying. I am fighting for us. So please, I told you multiple times, do not give up. Why everything in America has to be fire fucking so I't like something, I throw it away. Why nobody's fixing anything in this fucking country. Please explain it to me. Yeah, because it's just easier to give up, right? It's easier to buy new. Because Fixing suddenly takes a hard fucking work, and nobody wants to do it in the fucking country. 

M: Please, calm down. 

K: No, think about it for a second. You gave up a long time ago. It wasn't week, month ago. 

You would give up years ago on us, for some reason. And you don't care. Yes, I'm still gonna say it. 

You don't care. And I'm trying to light at the light in you, to care, because you need me, you believe it or not. You do need me. You do need Charlie and his father every day. I am not. I'm never going to be a weakened father. 

Never. And you want to leave me? I am not fucking staying in this country, because I have nothing in. else here. 

Charlie wants to see me, he can come see me where he wants to come when he's bigger. But I am not raising my child on the weekends. Do you understand that? 

Do you want to divorce me? Is this on your head? Please tell me. Is this on your head? Do you want to divorce? 

M: I don't know. 

K: Is your life that fucking miserable that you want to divorce? Look, write yourself at, like, plus and minus, positive and negative. and see where you're going to be in two years if you divorce me. Where are you going to live, how are you going to support yourself, how you going. 

M:I have jobs. I have a job. 

K: Do you think you're going to stay in this house? 

M: Are you going to stay in this house? 

K: No. Okay. I can't afford this house, I be about you. So do you? You cannot afford this house without me. 

Okay. So you're gonna lose this. Everything that we built for, you're gonna lose it, you're gonna give up, and go to the apartment or buy a tiny little house somewhere else and then in the middle of nowhere or middle of development. That's what you want. That's what you want for Charlie. Honey, wake up. 

Please think about it for a second. Do you want to go for nasty divorce?

M:  I don't, but it wouldn't have to be nasty if it came down to it. 

K: That's the thing. I am not divorcing you. Do you fucking understand this yet? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you to even have some farts like that? I am not that fucking bad. You could have getting worse. You did worse in your relationship. So let the fuck up. No, enough. Wake up. Wake up. Do your parents didn't have issues when they were married? No, no fight, no drinking? No, everything feels perfect? They went through it, right? Yeah. Yeah, because nobody give up. So fucking wake up. Enough. 

I'm worth fighting for. And you know that. Because I'm the fucking knight that came to people pick you up on the fucking white horse carrying fucking flowers. Is that a white horse a great Mustang? Yes., a fucking prince came to pick you up. You win the fucking lottery, so care a little more. Jesus Christ. Look at all your fucking friends cheating on each other, doing crazy crazy shit, and they're still fucking together. And you giving up on me, you giving up? After all I do?. 

Why are you being so selfish? You sacrifice a child's future in relationships? Because, what, you cannot fight a little, because you're so unhappy? Give me a break. I do everything for you two. What don't I do? 

And you're still so unhappy. Come on. Jesus, you're going to different shrinks. and you stick as fig it out? 

M: One of them is not for you. 

K: Does it help? Does it make anything better in those years? Yeah, how? You want to divorce me? 

M: She's not about you. She's for me. 

K: Does it matter. You go to the other one, too. Yo, in your head, you think about divorce. I. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really think your life would be easier about me? Do you think Charlie's life would be easier about me? No, stop fucking bullshitting.  Ask yourself the hard questions for first work, wake the fuck up and ask yourself the hard questions, how your life will look. We about me. Because the second with a big storm, you asked me to stay in your bed. Who going I call next time, when you're scared at night? Wake up it's enough of this nonsense. I'm your husband. You swear in front of God, for good and for bad. You swear it. And what you just giving up? 

For what? It's not that I'm just giving out. You are giving up. You gave up a long fucking long time ago. So stop fucking the bull. Stop dying to yourself, because you know what? I can see through you. And I'm trying to keep peace. I'm trying to be calm. But you know what? I don't you think I don't know? I don't see. 

I'm being gentle by saying you don't care. I'm being gentle by saying you don't love me anymore.'Cause you gave up long fucking time ago. You want to get married again? Do you want to go dating? Go fucking go date. 

Go, go out. See who's there waiting for you. Who gives you more, who grows harder every fucking day for you? 

Go, check it out. Let me know in six months. Because it's easier, right? In 45 year old to find a good relationship. Yeah, it's so easy. Yeah. So why would you put any effort to make happen, to make it good what you already have? What we build together for all those fucking years? Yeah, just give up on everything, yeah. Just give up.cause it's the easiest way, somebody can fucking way. Yeah. Who? Who? Who? Who gets divorced in Europe? 

Tell me. You might go fucking time. No your friends can cheat on each other, can lie to each other, and do everything else. Let's stay together, right? But I'm fucking faithful, loving husband, 24 hours while. working for you two and you're still not fucking happy. because you cannot talk to me, you're uncomfortable. You know what? 

Break the bubble then and be be comfortable. because I'm the one that's coming home every night, for you, for our son. And I am not raising my son, by, bye. myself, on the weekend or wherever bullshit is in your head.' Because this is our son. He's so fucking wonderful because two of us, not you or me. It takes wife and a husband to raise a proper child. So stop being so fucking selfish.. Because I am never giving up. I am not divorcing you. Divorce doesn't fucking exist in my head, because I've burn through it. I've been to, I did it. And I had so much fucking wars. Yeah So, please, fucking throw a little fire in your soul. 

Just fucking tiny little fire. and make this happen. Talk to your mom' cause you'd mentioned some stuff to me, you know. And they went through it. They figured it out right? So you cannot What does it make about you? Are you that fucking weak? No, enough. I'm tired of it. Enough. Wake up, honey. Because I love you with all my fucking heart heart. I would do anything for you. Can you say the same? Oh, seventh wedding anniversary, you're telling me, you don't know if you still love me if you want to divorce or not. You don't know? You should know, and D is there should be always no, because you have no fucking reason to divorce me. We have zero reasons to divorce me. Because I see what people go through every fucking day. 

And when we go through, it's nothing. It's zero. The reason is we're going for this bullshit because we have no real problems. That's where it is. We have no big problems. We don't fight about money, we don't fight about fucking somebody by the people, we don't lie to each other, serious lies. But no, but you see, because we don't have this kind of problems, you just pick out this tiny little thing bullshit that doesn't matter. And you're gonna sacrifice a family over it? That's selfish. because you have a good life. You have a good life. So think about this, and don't fuck this up, because I am not divorcing you, that doesn't exist to me. I'm fighting for our family. 

We have a family. We have a child to raise. Think about Charlie. Don't think about yourself. We have a child to raise, together. Together. 

Think about it. Jesus fucking Christ. What needs to be done for you to wake up? It's not just me and you. It'll been easy. But do you really think you can do better? You can be better? Like, what do you need to do? You're the one who doesn't talk. Do you think there's, like, a line of guys weighing for you? Why does that everything have to let her back up to somebody else? Because I don't know what's going on in your head, so I'm fucking guessing, because it's blowing my mind that you even think about it. 

You want to sacrifice everything that we build together because of some nonsense, not just the house, not the wealth, not environment, not jobs, not ourselves. son. Our fucking, our son is sleeping next, our wonderful, most amazing human being laying there. And you just want to sacrifice it? Because of the little things, because you are uncomfortable, then start being comfortable. Fight. All I ask for years, I'm telling you. Fight for us, because I'm fucking worth it. And you know I'm worth it. 

M: Are you just gonna stare at me.

K:  What are you supposed to do? I don't know. Do you want me to walk away? I walk away. Say something, do something? I've been talking for past half an hour. All you want to do is just give up. Did you tell your mom what you want to do? 

M: I talked to you about everything. 

K: Did you tell your mom about what you want to divorce me? Maybe I should talk to her. Maybe she would give me some advice. Okay. I did with the previous time. when you were snugging with some fucking stranger in your house. No! No, it was okay with you, right? 

M: That didnt happen and it was in the past! 

K : No, it's in the past, because I went to your fucking parents to have a conversation with them. How fucking, yeah, did you did you ever fight for somebody like that heart? Did you ever put a fight for somebody, that heart? 

I bet you you did not. I went to your parents when you were dating. to open it up. How fucking bsie was dead. 

Yeah, because I was fighting for you, then. I'm still fighting for you now. I know you do. 

You just, yeah, just whatever. Right? Right? Right. I think that's not. You want a divorce? 

You take care of it. I am not divorcing you. But you're going to lose  more that you came from that.