New Counselor Josh

SO...I found us a new marriage counselor. Name's Josh. Nice guy. I like him a HELL of a lot more than Tom, lol. We had a good 1st session (legit 1st session, last week was the intro/meet-n-greet). He specializes in men's behavioral health which I feel is a good thing. We discussed types of communication and their definitions. 

  • Assertive - where you want to be.  Maximize the effect of being heard and increase the chance of expectations being met. "I would appreciate if you XYZ." Not today, but perhaps tomorrow.
  • Passive - Express needs in watered down way. Tends to agree more than have a counter opinion.
  • Aggressive - Designed to intimidate (hostile) and attempt to win. Always forceful, always demanding. Takes the rights away from the other person to be justified in being upset. 
  • Passive-Aggressive - Intent to be defiant. Get what you want without taking responsibility. 

Also, things like "I" statements are better than "you" statements. I would like if...I would prefer if...Not you did XYZ. Questioning or asking WHY is a trigger to beware and a warning that there may be an issue.

How we interpret situations is our CHOICE. 

We don't control the emotions of others. If I tell my truth and you become aggressive, you're putting it back on the other person which is not fair. 

Anywho. GREAT call. Life was good. He asked if I wanted to talk more later. I said ok. Charlie fell asleep late, but we made a drink and went on the porch...As per norm, convo went sideways. 

I asked about how he didn't think his communication style fit in any of the boxes. And, I asked why and he said "well the aggressive one is "I demand" and "You must..." I never say that. I said correct, but don't get stuck on the words. It's the whole vibe/feeling/thought behind that. Then he started in with the "you" statements. 

I said OK but remember what he said about "I" versus "you," so instead of saying "you do this, you do that," you say  I feel like XYZ when you do this..." And, he got all upset and it turned into it "the same thing every time we talk, you don’t make me feel loved." And, I sat there and I said OK (to acknowledge) and he said no it’s not OK!  I tried to explain but then he got he got upset because I didn’t do anything at that exact moment (at least that's how I took it).

I said I love him and he said "I'm an actions man. Words don't do it for me. When's the last time we had non quickie or you just randomly came up to me and said I love you." I brought up something and of course it was "oh, that long ago?!" Grumble. It was just a no-win situation. 

We each did the breathing to calm ourselves down and re-ground ourselves, but it was a lost cause. We went inside and I suggested we each write down how we felt things transpired--what was our perception. And, he scoffed. And pulled the "You don't love me or show you love me" card. 

I do have hopes for Josh. Just really not sure what to think about K. He doesn't see himself as a problem at all. Yes, I see where me not being affectionate or lovey is an issue. But, stress is a killer. 

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