Air Mai - Under the Surface

I’m not happy in this relationship. I’m not happy constantly being minimized, devalued, and made to feel less than. I’m anxious. I’m fearful of what might cause an outburst and find myself trying to adjust your behavior. I can’t talk to you. I’ve lost confidence in myself. This runs much deeper than just “forgive and forget.” This is toxic. It all started when you weren’t happy. When I wasn’t doing enough. When I wasn’t giving enough. When I wasn’t “making you happy,” because—according to you—I know what to do and I’m just not doing it.   Does my happiness not matter? Am I supposed to be happy being raged at and torn down anytime you don’t like something? Am I supposed to be happy walking on eggshells, afraid to talk to someone who’s supposed to be my partner? Am I supposed to be happy when you say, “meh, the sex wasn’t good enough”? Am I supposed to be happy watching you force-feed Charlie? Am I supposed to be happy when you get furious that my friends stayed past their “curfew”? ...

I was ranting and rambling to one of my besties and she said something that absolutely summarized the situation: What he is doing is abuse. And it’s having a huge effect on you. You’re anxious, you’re fearful of what might cause an outburst and try to adjust your behavior, you can’t talk to him, you’ve lost some of your confidence. It runs much deeper than forgive and forget.   It's true. It's 100% true. We are in the love bombing cycle and it just adds fuel to the confusion fire. At the root of it WHAT am I not happy about? That is what I need to dial down/into. I'm just so tired. So mentally and emotionally exhausted. It sucks.  And then right after I dropped Charlie off, I just started crying. And, I'm still crying. Because this is all so fucked up. K keeps harping that I am the selfish one. I only think about what I want. My needs. And, because I am not happy, it's MY  unhappiness that is otherwise going to destroy this "perfect" family. 

 Dear. God. What a fuckin' weekend.  Let's begin with the kickoff debacle... Summary: Cousin Jen came in town on Friday. I stayed at mom's because of thes ituation. Saturday, Uncle Joe and Aunt Paula were coming over. Jen mentioned she'd love to see them. I said ya know what, come over.  In the morning I came home and instead of asking if he’s ok with it, just casually said “Mom and Cousin Jen are going to drop by to see UJ/AP for a little while” and the amount of anger/rage that went into his eyes-geezus. Pupils went black and he was furious.  I’m selfish. How dare I come home and TELL him that. I only think about what I want. I never take his feelings into consideration. Im selfish. Did I mention selfish?  How dare I not ask him first. And he told me this is not how marriage work (in terms of me not asking permission). I fired back with you’re right this is NOT how marriages work and he stood up and came over, ready to tirade on me and  I l...

Preface: So I’m trying to revise the way I do things. So instead of asking for permission for something I’m going to nicely just kind of lead in with this is what I’m going to do. Because I shouldn’t have to ask for permission to do things. Not to say I'd be all "HERE IS WHAT I'M DOING! DEAL WITH IT!" But less ask permission, more ease into this is what I'd like to do. So Tuesady night I said hey, do you have any plans on Monday night or anything going on? He said no why. I said well Bev would like to take me out to dinner for my birthday. He said OK...but why can’t you take you Tuesday? (Which is our normal night to get together because we do pilates.)  I’m like well we have pilates Tuesday and he said exactly. And I just kind of gave him the look and he said no it’s fine. So then as we’re getting ready for bed, I was like oh and don’t forget I have Cousin Jen coming in Friday night. And he said "oh, so you’re gonna be Doing your thing Monday, Tuesday, Wedne...

Another list...and what ChatGPT says could be a typical narc reaction and different ways to take it on head first...wow...just WOW! Wearing Emotions on Your Sleeve When you’re tired of people or a situation, it shows—clearly. When you want people to leave, it’s written all over your face. When someone inconveniences you, your entire energy changes. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing to be around. I understand that you value being “true blue” and not hiding how you feel—but there’s a difference between honesty and tactlessness. Sometimes, you need to be able to read a room and dial it back. Not everything needs to be said, and not every emotion needs to be on display. Getting Pissy or Judgmental When Something Isn’t Up to Your Standards If something or someone doesn’t meet your expectations, you shut down, criticize, or judge. Even minor things—like me not ordering the car color I wanted—get dismissed. When I shared that it was bothering me, you brushed it off with “Well, you already p...

So my birthday definitely did not turn out the way I anticipated. It was a fun day and then K came home early by about an hour and asked if I wanted to “play “and I said I had stuff I had to get done for work, which was not a lie. Then around 4 o’clock a white SUV pulls in the driveway and K said he thinks that’s Aunt Nancy, so I texted mom and she said yes, she mentioned stopping over to drop off some kind of food. No big deal. So I let her in and offer her a glass of wine and she sat down and said I thought your mom was going to be here and then I explained Charlie time to her and then I asked K to come upstairs and say hi. So he comes up and then Charlie and mom get here and I offer her something to drink. So we're all sitting at the counter and I could just sense K getting upset. Just the vibe I was getting. Another point of order: Aunt Nancy had mentioned something when she got here about not realizing it was my birthday and had she known she would’ve brought dinner. Again, no...