Air Mai - Under the Surface

 So, it's been a rough couple days. I know I say that quite often, but woof.  Saturday we had a busy day with Charlie. K hasn't been feeling well (has a chest cold) so that didn't help matters. We went to soccer and to a spring fest and shopping and then went home. I asked if K was hungry and he said no. Charlie had been snacking so I wasn't too worried about him. K mentioned it'd be a good day for soup.  Fast forward to being upstairs around 4pm. He asked if I took the soup out. I said no, not yet. He said "do you always have to wait until last minute?" I rolled my eyes and replied no, it's frozen soup, it defrosts quickly. And, went to take it out. I asked what kind he wanted and he stood up and said "never mind, I'm not hungry anymore!" And, stormed downstairs. WTFE. Charlie and I went downstairs because we were going to go outside and I told K, look, I didn't mean to upset you. And he asked "was that question REALLY that frus...

Well, tomorrow's the big "Amanda" day. Mom is coming with me.  I started thinking that maybe instead of the villain of my story, perhaps I need to look at it as being the hero of my story? Not to say this is a rah rah situation by any means, but if we're not happy, and things don't get or stay better, maybe it's time to be the one to say, HEY, we gave it our all, but it's time to move on? Rip off the bandaid. Stop being miserable and seek what will make us happy.  He says he loves me more than anything and he would NEVER intentionally hurt me, but he doesn't see what he's like when he gets pissed. I guess the other thing is at least I'll have all my info and what not and if it comes down to it, play the "you need anger management/outside therapy" card or else XYZ. It's so hard because there are good days and bad days. Of course when other people are around we are this perfect couple. It feels good at the time, but then it kinda hi...

I appreciate the email. I appreciate you being able to calmly, rationally, non-violently explain what is “wrong.” I do not appreciate how you choose to do it in real life and face-to-face. I agree, we feel the way we feel. We are all entitled that. Should we be able to talk and vent to each other? Of course. But, there’s an unspoken respect that that also needs to be present—one where name calling, yelling, condescension, swearing is checked at the door. I know you’re not happy. But honestly, I feel like you are never happy. There’s always something wrong. There’s always something that can be improved on. There’s rarely ever a time where you’re satisfied or just take the win for what it is. I’ve said this MANY times before: sometimes it’s OK to just be OK and enjoy/savor the little things. Not everything needs to be one-upped. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of you.  And, if you live your life expecting only the best 24/7, you’re going to be let down majority of th...

  Writing to you today because I think it’s easier to do then say. Let me start that I love you more that you can ever image. But  for the longest time I feel extremely lonely. I haven’t been sleeping well for past two weeks, I am physically and mentally exhausted. Work has been brutal lately and then I come home and its not much better there either. To add to the frustration every time I try to have conversation with you about anything, you made a small change for few days and then is back to square one. How many times past few years I have been telling you same stuff, I am lonely, not appreciated and feel like you just simply don’t care anymore. I am trying my best to be the best father for Charlie and best husband for you, but even from him I get very little back. I can count on my one hand how many times he came to me to give me a hug or told me that he loves me with out me asking. When I came home yesterday and was playing with Charlie downstairs I told him “synek I misse...

What a fucking awful night. Closest we have ever come, but I think for progress is commencing. Marisa came over early so she came with me to pick up Charlie. Then we went to Aldi, Sam’s and Ollie‘s. K went to go see Greg after work. We got home and we’re hanging out and then he got home around 7:30. He sat down by us for a little bit then Charlie wanted a bath. So he put him in the bath and then went downstairs. Didn't say anything. So I was taking care of that. It was around 845 and Marisa was like oh my God it’s so late need to go. So then I finished Charlie in the bath, and then K came upstairs and I saw the wild animal look in his eyes… I asked if he was OK and then he went into his giant tirade about how disrespectful I am and selfish andwe had this conversation not even two weeks ago "you don’t even know what’s wrong?!" And, then I stopped and I’m like oh wait, because Marisa is here? And he said yes. Mind you he’s somewhat yelling at me and Charlie is telling him t...