Air Mai - Under the Surface

I think one of our big problems is we spend too much time together. I don't think he feels that way, but I think that might be an issue. Because, every night it's the "what do you want to do" game. And, every night, it's the same selection of things.  Watch tv/movie (which I LOVE and he hates) Sit by a fire Play pool/games Do our own thing Maybe we do need more variety or something? But with the weather break he has outdoor house stuff to do so going anywhere is meh. And, when Charlie goes to bed, WE can't go anywhere. What really is there to do? What do other people do? I wish he had friends to actually get together with, because it seems like when I want to go out (more often) he gets all pissy/hurt. Or turns it into I want to be with my friends more than work on our relationship (i.e., you make time for everyone else...) I know he's at work all day and we don't see each other all day, but that's ok, right? I mean, not everything needs to be a gr...

 W...tf.  After an iffy Tuesday, I asked if we could have a judgement-free check in. These typically entailed a free/safe space to TALK about anything that was bothering us or on our minds without fighting. Ha. Not so much. Charlie was absolutely adorable and SO cute with us on Tuesday. But, Wednesday was a different story. He was anti-daddy and VERY gremliny to him. It got so bad while K was pushing him on the swing, K literally blew up, said "I can't fuckin' take anymore of this shit," pushed past Charlie in the swing, said you can sit there by yourself, and stormed downstairs. I asked Charlie why he was mean and he said he didn't know, that he wanted to get down and daddy wouldn't pick up something he wanted. I told him we need to apologize, took him downstairs, and had him say he was sorry for being mean, he loves him, and to come upstairs and play. K said no and sat outside for a bit. I told Charlie he HAS to be nice to daddy because it makes mommy sad. H...

 So, it totally comes down to HOW he talks to me. That is my trigger. He sounds angry and mad and condescending and annoyed. But, what if that's just the way he is? What if that's the "norm" but I never recognized it before? I don't remember him always being this way..but what if he's right and I'm just overly sensitive?  Example: Charlie came in our room this morning at 5am. Wouldn't lay down in our bed, he wanted me to come back to his room. So, I did. Fast forward to K getting ready for work and he was like "Why don't you just tell him no?! Tell him to go back to bed. Tell him he'll get a surprise if he stays in bed! Why do you always give in to him. Things are getting worse NOT better. Sigh - of course I felt all edgy and blah after that. And, then he seemed moody and weird. Yes, he's not a morning person by nature, but his morning moods just feel tension-laden.  One of my friends asked if he changes his tone when others are around...

His rant:  Are you allergic to me. You don’t touch me. You just don’t care! We have the same conversation every two weeks and you do nothing to change. I pour my heart out to you and I tell you exactly what I need and you do absolutely nothing. You just don’t care. Actions mean more than words. I’m 44 and in the best shape of my life and you don’t even look at me when I take my shirt off when we’re in the bathroom.  You walk right past me and you say nothing. We haven’t had sex in two weeks and oral, don’t even get me started. What do you do for me that special. Every day is the same thing. There’s nothing special. How do you actually show me that you care. In my head: The bathroom shirt thing, ok, it'd ridiculous on my end, but it makes me self conscious. And maybe a little jealous? Sounds awful, but it's what I feel.  The sex thing is ALWAYS stretched out. He always adds time on there. And, sorry, you said how bad it was so why would I want to? Christ. What if I am the ...

 Honestly, cannot stand talking to him sometimes. We’ve already been having a rough enough time with the past couple days just being awful. But today he wanted to cut Charlie’s hair and as per normal, he did and I don’t like it. But I said it was fine. He did a “good” job.  So We were sitting downstairs on the couch talking and he started in on “I don’t know what your deal is with me cutting his hair.” (Instant trigger with the tone and direction)  He started saying what a hack job the  other guy did and I said I actually liked how he tapered the back. And,of course he got incredulous and said that I don’t understand men’s hair then.It’s supposed to be even all over and it was long in some spots and shorter in others and he made it look 10 times better. Also, he WILL be cutting Charlie’s hair from here on out. He doesn’t care what I have to say about that.   False.  I think the guy did an OK job, but Charlie was fidgeting and fussing and crying and he ...

K gets home last night and I was doing work from the couch because I wasn’t feeling well. I was stretching and as he walked by he pinched my nipple and I batted his hand away. I saw the look…commence the night.  I had made Charlie nuggets and tots for dinner and got the whole “can you please make something else for him to try once in a while instead of nuggets and tots all the time?” Totally valid. I get it. I agree. I went for easy because I’m sick yet again. Anywho, I starting to heat up a little corned beef and mashed potatoes to add to his plate to try and smooth it over a bit and he starts on the fact I put a Tupperware container on the table.  “Haven’t I asked you numerous times NOT to put things on the table. In the past 5 years how many times have I asked you not do that and you just don’t listen.” I made the mistake of responding with “but, you put keys on it.” “Like, once in a year! Blah blah blah.”  He made a comment about something and  I replied “shockin...

  Sadly, I realize that THIS specific problem is truly on me...I cant talk to him. I talk to my friends, my mom, my counselor, my blog/journal, but I can't talk to HIM because of how he reacts...and he doesn't get it. Because when I try to explain that it's how he reacts to things or handles things, he gets all up in arms and upset which in turn gets me flustered and I lose my courage and direction and then I just don't want to talk. But it's not "fair" to him that I hold everything in and vent to everyone else. Of course he should think he is this deity of a husband who does no wrong and should be praised. Because I NEVER push back on him. I don't ask for help around the house because I know he's busy. I try and handle it. But heaven forbid MY desk is a mess or things are messy at just the wrong moment and there is HELL TO PAY. Then, I feel all nervous and have to start helping doing whatever he's doing SOLELY because I'm trying to avoid f...