Air Mai - Under the Surface

His rant:  Are you allergic to me. You don’t touch me. You just don’t care! We have the same conversation every two weeks and you do nothing to change. I pour my heart out to you and I tell you exactly what I need and you do absolutely nothing. You just don’t care. Actions mean more than words. I’m 44 and in the best shape of my life and you don’t even look at me when I take my shirt off when we’re in the bathroom.  You walk right past me and you say nothing. We haven’t had sex in two weeks and oral, don’t even get me started. What do you do for me that special. Every day is the same thing. There’s nothing special. How do you actually show me that you care. In my head: The bathroom shirt thing, ok, it'd ridiculous on my end, but it makes me self conscious. And maybe a little jealous? Sounds awful, but it's what I feel.  The sex thing is ALWAYS stretched out. He always adds time on there. And, sorry, you said how bad it was so why would I want to? Christ. What if I am the ...

 Honestly, cannot stand talking to him sometimes. We’ve already been having a rough enough time with the past couple days just being awful. But today he wanted to cut Charlie’s hair and as per normal, he did and I don’t like it. But I said it was fine. He did a “good” job.  So We were sitting downstairs on the couch talking and he started in on “I don’t know what your deal is with me cutting his hair.” (Instant trigger with the tone and direction)  He started saying what a hack job the  other guy did and I said I actually liked how he tapered the back. And,of course he got incredulous and said that I don’t understand men’s hair then.It’s supposed to be even all over and it was long in some spots and shorter in others and he made it look 10 times better. Also, he WILL be cutting Charlie’s hair from here on out. He doesn’t care what I have to say about that.   False.  I think the guy did an OK job, but Charlie was fidgeting and fussing and crying and he ...

K gets home last night and I was doing work from the couch because I wasn’t feeling well. I was stretching and as he walked by he pinched my nipple and I batted his hand away. I saw the look…commence the night.  I had made Charlie nuggets and tots for dinner and got the whole “can you please make something else for him to try once in a while instead of nuggets and tots all the time?” Totally valid. I get it. I agree. I went for easy because I’m sick yet again. Anywho, I starting to heat up a little corned beef and mashed potatoes to add to his plate to try and smooth it over a bit and he starts on the fact I put a Tupperware container on the table.  “Haven’t I asked you numerous times NOT to put things on the table. In the past 5 years how many times have I asked you not do that and you just don’t listen.” I made the mistake of responding with “but, you put keys on it.” “Like, once in a year! Blah blah blah.”  He made a comment about something and  I replied “shockin...

  Sadly, I realize that THIS specific problem is truly on me...I cant talk to him. I talk to my friends, my mom, my counselor, my blog/journal, but I can't talk to HIM because of how he reacts...and he doesn't get it. Because when I try to explain that it's how he reacts to things or handles things, he gets all up in arms and upset which in turn gets me flustered and I lose my courage and direction and then I just don't want to talk. But it's not "fair" to him that I hold everything in and vent to everyone else. Of course he should think he is this deity of a husband who does no wrong and should be praised. Because I NEVER push back on him. I don't ask for help around the house because I know he's busy. I try and handle it. But heaven forbid MY desk is a mess or things are messy at just the wrong moment and there is HELL TO PAY. Then, I feel all nervous and have to start helping doing whatever he's doing SOLELY because I'm trying to avoid f...

Prefacing this that Kmakes a valid point because he sometimes tries to talk to me and not that I’m trying to be quiet or aloof. I just answer the question and then that’s it.  So, the other night, he was asking me random stuff while I was filling Easter eggs and, not that I wasn't trying to purpose;y NOT engage in conversation, but I would just end with "I don’t know." And, when I said that he got all like up in arms, "what do you mean you don’t know!?" With that condescending tone. So then I’m like OK OK OK, I’m sorry. And that just spiraled into everything else--that I go about life, just walking past him and acting like he’s a stranger and all this other shit. And then we laying in bed and he started getting loud and I told him to quiet down and he did. But he says that he’s "done all this changing for me and I need to step up and do something too." And I was supposed to call my doctor About my lack of libido and I told him I was planning to go when...

Lord help...He makes a valid point, because he sometimes tries to talk to me, and not that I’m trying to be quiet or aloof, I just answer the question and then that’s it. So, he got really upset last night that he was trying to engage in conversation and I would just "end" the convo by saying "I don’t know." Mr. Condescension came out and was all "you don't know? Listen to yourself?! You Don't KNOOWWWW .." So,  then I’m like OK OK OK, I’m sorry.  And, then everything  just spiraled. It turns into me just walking past him and acting like he’s a stranger and all this other shit. And then we laying in bed and he started getting loud and I told him to quiet down and he did. But he says that he’s done all this changing for me and I need to step up and do something, too. I tried to crack a joke to lighten the mood (which is a KNEE JERK REACTION that I have limited control over) and he got wayyyyy pissed off. "7 years and when has that EVER worked?! ...

 I really need to start documenting complaints/critiques and balls up and bring them to a certain someone's attention, because YEESH. I SHOULD be able to talk to my husband, but I can't. He claims I'm "holding onto the past" or "I believe something that isn't true (i.e., that I can't talk to him or whatever)" but historically I know what'll happen. And  I try and shy away from any kind of confrontation. Anywho - yea. Today I was at my desk and he was asking if I was working and I said "I just need to take care of something." Didn't mean it snarkily, but I guess it came off that way? And, even though. I said I didn't meant it...he got all quiet and huffy. Then I mentioned putting the potatoes or sprouts in the oven and he was like "why? are we eating soon? I thought we were doing appetizers" kinda with that tone...and I was like, "no, but you always want the sides done before the meat so..." And I heard hi...

We've been watching a show called "Not Dead Yet," and I feel like it's the anthem of my life a/o it's speaking to me (no pun intended). But so many things happen or are said that just resonate so deeply. And, I know it's just a show, but I can't help but be sad/jealous/upset that I can't be as strong as Nell is. WHAT is wrong with me?! The episode we saw last night, Edward told Nell she's not herself around her ex/current BF. That she is smaller. And, I was like YEP. Totally get that. And, my friends have told me that as well. I don't think it's as much now as it was before, but still, totally get it.  Also, I've been so blah. Like more so than the normal blah. Extra blah. Like "should I be medicated for depression" blah. OR, am I just in a funk that I can't pull myself out of. Because, I know if I were to talk to my doctor she'd ask how things are at home, and it's like, "oh, ya know, not sure how I'm fee...