Air Mai - Under the Surface

 Geezus...last night was a shit show. I came home from dinner with my SIL and K and I went out on the porch and had some wine, then more wine. Came inside and I was trying on dresses for a wedding we're going to. Things were a-ok. Then he got all "love making" on me and I started crying. The emotional bubble burst. And at first, he was calm and asking what's wrong and to talk to him. Then it all went sideways. I said I was overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning. And, we're not on the same page. He asked for further explantation. I was getting flustered and brought up a time last week that he got home and the first thing he said to me was "you couldn't pick up and charge roomba?" It bothered me. He set the tone for the night IMO. I dont like that. The first thing from either of our mouths shouldn't be negative. Well, he was a dog with a bone and would NOT let it drop. Kept coming back to why can't I let things go. It was nothing. I made too...

SO...I found us a new marriage counselor. Name's Josh. Nice guy. I like him a HELL of a lot more than Tom, lol. We had a good 1st session (legit 1st session, last week was the intro/meet-n-greet). He specializes in men's behavioral health which I feel is a good thing. We discussed types of communication and their definitions.  Assertive - where you want to be.  Maximize the effect of being heard and increase the chance of expectations being met. "I would appreciate if you XYZ." Not today, but perhaps tomorrow. Passive - Express needs in watered down way. Tends to agree more than have a counter opinion. Aggressive - Designed to intimidate (hostile) and attempt to win. Always forceful, always demanding. Takes the rights away from the other person to be justified in being upset.  Passive-Aggressive - Intent to be defiant. Get what you want without taking responsibility.  Also, things like "I" statements are better than "you" statements. I would like i...

 Calm. Calm can be extremely relaxing and terrifying and liberating all in one. Saturday I went to a bridal shower and said I thought it'd be maybe 2-3 hours. I texted at 330 to say I was helping clean up then would be hanging with my friend that I haven't seen in half past forever. I got home around 5pm and of course, there were issues.  Now, admittedly, I was in "the wrong" because I should have been more upfront and texted him more (?) to let him know that things were running late or what not. However, I was told that I was "extremely selfish" because of everything and that he was hungry because he was waiting because I was going to bring food. I corrected him and said, no, I said I would bring leftovers if they had them.  Night was annoying for a bit. Then, he went out, cut wood, smoked (obvi) and came back a new person. Ya know, the person I love to love. Sunday was Oktoberfest. I was anxiety ridden from the SECOND I woke up. Took a Xanax around 9. Was ...

Took mom to Classic Honda on Saturday and he told me NOT to let her sign anything. Well, she wound up putting a $500 deposit down through a car guy named Mitch (super nice) to secure the car. Non-refundable. K, however, was talking to a different guy and got a lower price. Didn't mention the $500 because I figured it was through Classic so it'd transfer. Last night Mitch calls and K plays the "is that the best you can do" card. He said yes. He said OK we're going through a different person. So he's getting things set with this other guy, same dealership, and called me today to say we need to go put a $500 deposit down. So I brought it up that mom already did...SHIT HIT THE FAN. He started whisper yelling at me (because he's at work) and saying that I lied to him and if I know sooooo much more than him, then we should handle it. He's done. "What language do you need to hear 'don't sign anything' for you to understand?!" I said I...

 So, I got roundhouse kicked in the face by a realization that is an extremely hard pill to swallow...I am not happy. But, I am also not willing/strong enough/ready(?) to make a change.  I know I need to talk to K and let him know where I'm at, but I just can't. I am not that strong. I have no clue how to even get there (aside from when he starts something because that's when the fire gets going and I feel better able to speak my truth.  Was watching Station 19 and the past couple episodes are just hitting WAY too close to home. Like, knocking at my front door close to home. Maya's mom leaves her dad (after 20 years) because she just accepted that he has been emotionally and mentally abusing her and she was done with it. Maya, of course, says her mom is all drama and doesn't believe her or want to believe her. Then, Andy is remembering how her dad and mom used to argue and the mom said "you're being critical of me" and Pru said "if I'm being c...

 Ok, so I went to Vegas for Cousin Jen's bday. I was gone Thursday night through Sunday (arrived home 7:30pm). K and CHarlie picked me up even though mom said she would. He pushed it. Whatever, that's fine. He seemed weird when I got in the car - the weird like "ohhhhh, great. What now?" I tried holding his hand and then he'd put it back on the shifter. Again, whatever. Didn't question it. Asked if he was ok and he just said tired. Some kinda cluster fuck happened early in the week - he was pissed because I told him I was going to get a call from Cousin Jen around 6 or 7 "Could you have picked a BETTER time to do it?! All you've done is talk about her/them since you got home." Ummm, what else do I talk about? It was HER birthday event. It passes. Whatever. Thursday night I went to Pilates with Bev. Evvvvvverything was a-ok before I left. I texted after that I was going to stop by Bev's but wouldn't be late. Got home 9pm...weirdness. Are y...

So, historically, there have always been flare ups around the holidays...any holiday...every holiday. Thought after having a good Easter, Birthday, and Mother's Day maybe, jusssssst maybe we had gotten past the shenanigans? NOPE! Not even kinda... Last night was a SHIT SHOW. SHIT. FUCKING. SHOW. I told him that I needed to get something off my chest and explained that he is absolutely able to talk to me and tell me anything, but saying "That's not good enough for me" realllllly got under my skin and it bothered me. He apologized. I said thanks. The rest of the night felt weird. I was quiet. He seemed off. Charlie was hot and cold with him. It just felt unsettled.  So after getting Charlie to bed he asked what I wanted to do. I said "why don't you go to the bedroom." He said no, I've been in a bad mood all night.And, I said no, I really wasn't. I said what I needed to say and felt fine. "Well, it doesn't feel that way." Flash forward...