Air Mai - Under the Surface

 I’m trying to let this go, but need to vent.  He asked me what time I was going to mass on Wednesday and then if I was seeing Bev on Thursday. I said seven pm and yes. He asked “when is my night?” And, I said ummmmm Friday? Then he said “I thought we were going out that night because you had Lauren coming over.”  I said we are…Then he accused me of forgetting Friday numerous times.  I got upset and said I did NOT and please stop accusing me. “Getting mad at me isn’t going to help anything.” Whatever, I got quiet.  Then I said Ok, whether or not it was your intention, accusing me of forgetting that much/many times was offensive. And he rolled his eyes and  got upset with ME! "Well, that's what it feels like." Ok, just because I don't have a fully baked plan for Friday DOESN'T MEAN I forgot or don't care. And, why the hell do I have to be the one to think through date night? He's never made a plan-plan. I feel like he left with attitude. So yea. Grrrr. And,...

I’m mad for you. #1 He doesn’t know shit about you-you. Oh breaks my heart…NO! Do something positive. Or act like a normal human being. Or go therapy yourself. His behavior that is the problem. Narcs are playing a chess game while they are trying to convince us we’re playing checkers. He goes off. He wants control. He doesn’t take responsibility. You’re standing up for yourself. Whether talking back or having these points. Now he’s picking and trying to get control back by basically judging my parenting or being extremely judgmental or condescending or mean. He’s trying to make me submissive. You are NOT a bad a person. When this happens, we get pushed to a point where we blow. I’If you blow up or yell or scream you are NOT a bad person. You are not trying to hurt him, I really believe he is trying to hurt you.  When he accuses you or name calling-that’s him trying to knock you off shore footing and gain control of situation. At that point there’s no talking to him. It’s all about ...

  We’re in the bathroom and he’s like "so, I guess no sex tonight." And I was kind of taken aback and I said we can if you want. And he said that I was being confusing because when he got home from work and I was all lovey and he figured when I got home from Bev's, maybe we'd have some "quality" time together, but no.  I didn’t hug him. I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t do anything when I got home We played pool and I kept my distance away and then that was it. I told him I didn't mean to slight him if I did, it's just been such a weird/awkward week. "And, you're doing nothing to make any of it better."  And, he started talking more and I told him that this is important but I don’t want to have this conversation at 10:30 at night because it's late and he said "well you weren’t home before, so when were we supposed to?" Now, I think that was a low blow and said to make me feel guilty. I'm sure he would disagree and say "...

Now it’s a matter of he’s hurting, and I am not there for him. I have not been there for him and the fact that he had asked for a hug is pathetic. I told him it wasn’t that he didn’t deserve it. It was that I was hurt. And he said what about when I’m hurt? What about” I have to be strong for you and for mom and for everyone but who is there for me? You won’t even give me a hug.” So, am I the monster? Am I trying so hard to stand my ground and maintain my strength that I'm actually being cold? I'm just tired of being pushed around and feeling like I have to give in  EVERY TIME just to keep the peace.  But he makes hurtful, underhanded comments like "well teach him some things instead of always watching TV," It’s like he says things that he doesn’t think are mean but they are. Because they are loaded statements. But I don’t even know how to address that . And, I apologized for the comment about not deserving it and said I was hurt and that’s when he said "i'm h...

Random:   We are supposed to be a team and it doesn’t feel like we are because it's always "who does more" I did XYZ with Charlie. What did you do? Our life is not a competition Not everything should be transactional - I did this. Now you do this.  It feels like nothing is ever good enough. That's not an exaggeration. NOTHING is ever good enough.  You say "I'm the problem, you're perfect and do no wrong" No, I've NEVER uttered those words. Are you the problem at times, Yes. Yes you are. Am I the problem at times, Yes, yes I am.  I'm tired of being the punching bag and taking all the attitude and guff and meanness. You have no problem sharing your opinion or how you feel--you also don't care how it comes across or how it's said. I feel like you lack empathy. As long as you say your piece and get out what you want to say, you're good. You don't care who is left reeling from it. Just because you feel one way does NOT mean I hav...

What a fucking night. We were watching TV downstairs and Charlie got up so I ran up and he was laying down in our bed, then I heard K come up and could tell he was in a mood--there was that weird air about. So, I get ready for bed and he gets ready for bed and lays down before me and I went to give him a kiss and he gave me a peck begrudging. I asked if he was upset and he snarked back "no, why would I be?" But, with that tone/attitude that's like HELL YES, I'M PISSED. I asked if he wanted to try and move little man and he said "why, he'll be back in an hour anyway." And, I said IDK, I thought we could have "us" time and he lost his shit. He was upset because he claims I haven't been warm or given him a hug in, like, a week and now I wanted “us” time.  I said yesterday you didn’t deserve one. That's when he started yelling even though Charlie was literally in the middle of the bed between us. "You crossed a fucking line tonight! ...

He gets home from work. I gave him a pack of "Friends" card game. Without a beat, “don’t we already have a few of these that we never play?” I said, well, let's change that! "Stop spending money." No thank yous. No nothing. I even said “oh, thank you hunny for thinking of me." Then Charlie said he wanted to see Sunny Bunnies, so I turend on the TV. Then he started on me. Hardcore. "TV already? Why can't you do something different once in a while?" I said Charlie learns things from TV. "He can learn from YOU teaching him." I said I do teach him. And he scoffs. Then says I’m giving him attitude. "You know you can teach him to go outside. It’s sunny out. Maybe one of the last nice days of the year." I said ok, just 1 episode and we go outside. "It’s never just one episode." At this point he's pissed and his eyes are that crazy look with pupils all dilated. So we watched one and Charlie lost it but I got him t...

10-19 He came home and things felt weird. I asked if he was ok and he's like "why do you ask me that every night" and I said well, you seem different and I just want to check and he said "maybe this is just how I am now. How do I not let myself make some thing a big deal before the big deal? We usually sleep in the nude but as Charlie’s getting older, to me, it is feels kind of weird. So, last night I put on pajamas before getting in the bed and he kind of had attitude or it felt like he did. And, said "oh you’re wearing clothes now?" And I explained and he was like "uhhh, ok. He gets in bed with us every night. Whatever." And, I backtracked and said oh well, I can always just change when he comes in bed. And then I took them off, but at that point it felt weird and stressed. Again, why am I giving in like that or how do I stop? 10-18 I was crying and upset. Then a little while later I tried to get frisky. But he was all “now?” I said yes. Why ...

I'm just sad. I haven't been feeling well (downright sick) and that means I haven't given K attention. Which I can tell with his moods/attitude. Then the other night he says I was mean to him when I got drunk - he brings up my drinking again. But, it's like hello. YOU were drinking, too. And, it's not that I wasmean to him (I remember when I'm mean and what I say #Blossom) but the othernight, I just wasn't putting up with theantics. Like I'd laugh something off or roll my eyes (dramatically) or say "oh, my god!" in the overdramatic tone and with a smirk - and to him that was me being mean. But, I was just being me. And., then he says "oh, everything is my fault. nothig is ever your fault" No, I didnt say that. But honestly, yea. YOU are the one who makes a big deal about everything. YOU are the one who cant handle when I tease back like you tease me. YOU are the one who feels the need to comment/weigh in/add your opinion or feeling...