Air Mai - Under the Surface

 Charlie has been a little shit to K as of lately. Like mean. "I don't like you, daddy! I don't want you, Daddy! Go away daddy!" It's sad. I try my best to stop it, but I have no control over the little gremlin. I've tried asking him why he says those things and that they are hurtful and he either says "I don't know" or "Daddy's loud/scary, mean." He told K he was too loud once (when I made him go downstairs to apologize). Anywho, Charlie is COMPLETELY different with K when they are just the two of them vs when I'm around. So I figured, ok. Tuesdays/Thursdays he's with me all day. Thursdays I see Bev, so maybe I'll take Tuesdays "out" to either see Marisa or go spinning or grocery shop or whatever. Give them time alone. We're playing pool downstairs and I bring it up...SHOCKER...he turned it into something... His first reaction was "oh, so I'll never see you then." I scoffed. I literally scoff...

 There was a hiccup last night. Shocking, but true. We were downstairs and K commented that I should ask Michelle if she wants the ball pit. So I grabbed my phone to take a pic and message her. And he said "doesn't have to be now, put your phone down." But, I said l just want to get it done. And he reiterated, and I just carried on my merry way. Well, that didn't set well. He got all huffy and started on me being on the phone 24/7  "you never listen" blah blah blah. I kept repeating "ok" kinda like sure, kinda like whatever. And, he mumbles and storms off. I stood strong. I held my ground. I didn't play much on my phone after, but I also didn't re-address his issue.  A little while later he pulled the "why are you acting/being like this" card. I said I was fine. He claims I've been snippy/weird since he got home. Which is TOTAL BS because I was fine. I was just doing my own thing. Making dinner. Playing with Charlie, etc. He h...

 So, as per usual. Shit Show Sunday.  Admittedly, he DID say he's like us to be outside with him while he's working. He has mentioned that on many occasions. It was cold early and Charlie was not all about being outside. So he's inside with me and is threatening a nap - so I let him lay down and I was just working on stuff inside. Of course, time flies by and suddenly it's close to 2pm (when mom is coming over) and he still hasn't napped AND I still wasn't outside. He comes in and says, with typical Narcitude, "so I'm guessing you're just not going to go outside then?" Shit.  Mom gets here and he's being his usual attitude self. Short answers when I ask him questions. Etc. Mom goes downstairs to play with Charlie and I have a literal breakdown. Break. Down. He wound up coming in and I said HEY! And, when to give him a hug and just lost it. We're talking sobbing and having trouble catching breath etc. And, he's like why are you so wo...

I had a dream last night where I had an affair...and I woke up feeling SO guilty!  I was driving home from somewhere and "racing" this other car and we wound up pulling into the same place to park--it was like Shady Lake, but not, but yea. And, he pulled into a garage and got out and was joking with me about how I won by finding a faster way to get to that area.  He was tall, slender (but not skinny - more average), tanned, bald, and very nice/funny/jokester.  He spritzed some kinda spray and I smelled it and it smelled amazing. We started talking about what a bitch it is to drive home from downtown and the different ways to go. I mentioned I made that drive for 10+ years and don't miss it. He said he worked for some kind of...IDK, organic market maybe? I can't remember. Then it flashed to us being in a big crowd of people outside and there were people with running bibs and I was confused and mad because I missed the event and I always run those. It turned out to be a...

We had tickets to the Polar Express train ride last night. When he came home, he seemed "off" to me. He claims I was the one giving the vibe. But, literally, the FIRST thing he said was "oh, mommy's already in her PJs" but it was with this "disgusted" tone. That's not the word, but kinda felt that way. Disbelief? Annoyance? IDK. Additional comments from home and on the train.  Could you have picked a hotter day to do this? These pants DON'T have pockets?! You're not actually going to buy us new PJs every year? He's going to grow out of them You can't find the tickets AGAIN You'd think they could have cleaned the train or decorated it? I was trying to chit chat on the drive, but he wasn't really receptive. But I pretended life was fine. On the train he seemed kinda distant then got more in the groove. But, was a bah humbug.  So we get home, he smokes and he's good. And, since he wasn't being jerky mooded I tell him he...

 I feel kinda bad. I'm in a mood. Shocking, but true. But, it's because I'm just tired. Literally. Charlie was restless as all get out. K wanted to snuggle so he put me in the middle and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable so after, like, an hour I was up and moving around then told him he needs to sleep in the middle. LOL. Which only lasted so long because then Charlie woke up and was like "DADDY! Scooch! I don't want you."  But, making "jokes" with K is sometimes just annoying. We were having breakfast corndogs (impulse Aldi buy) and I asked if he had any thoughts on lunch. And, he said "I have an idea but you'll probably say no. * wink wink* I have a corndog for you." I said no, thanks. I'm full. And laughed it off, and he got all "it's not funny when it's all you say every time." I still tried to maintain the haha, but I was kinda serious.  He ALWAYS jokes or hints toward sex and I know I need to laugh it o...

 Well, we had the talk on Friday. It was NOT planned. My hand was forced, but it happened, and I'm glad it did.  Legit 5 pages of talking points. And, admittedly, I did feel bad for not having brought up all of it sooner. But, as I told him, it's because of how he reacts/acts/treats me/etc. that I don't. I did record the session - just in case. And, 90% of it was me talking. He responded to a couple things, but nothing earth shattering.  Kinda funny, Friday was our 5-year Ohio Receptionaversary, too. But, again. It went well. Things have been OK since. We're both trying and I HOPE he/we can both see that. I also hope it's not one of those short-term things--which of course, he called me out on being a downer/negative nancy/looking at the bad/bringing on the jinx. But, I told him. HISTORICALLY it never lasts and I get thrown down the shithole. It's not thinking negative, it's a historic FACT. Anywho, yea. I've been trying to be more open/honest with him, ...

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The past few days (especially) the air has been really weird here. It's like we're both present but not present (if that makes sense). Like we're going through the motions of life but not really being our true selves. I don't like. I don't want to admit this, but I do feel like we're both not happy and there is no fixing it. But, neither of us wants to really call that out. I don't know if he honestly thinks things are fixable? Or, if he just doesn't want to admit things are not getting better? I'm not sure.  Here's how I see our "visions of current life": K: Is not happy because I am not "living up" to my duties as a wife (sex, passion, attention, etc.) We could be happy IFF I am the one who changes.  I know what needs fixed but I "don't listen or don't care" He is not at any fault for anything. He has given and grown and changed and I am the problem. Why don't I see/recognize just HOW MUCH he has change...

 I had a dream about Papa last night. I really didn't want to wake up. It as after he had already passed, but somehow he came back to be with us. He was wearing a red sweatshirt and he gave me a huge hug (I can still feel it) and I could smell him. We took pictures on my phone because I just didn't believe it and then mamma came by and she was SO happy.  I kept saying I don't understand. And, he was trying to tell me but I can't remember what he said.  We were all sitting in a restaurant - similar to the pizza place in Naples only BIGGER with a huge oval/oblong table). UJ and AB were there. Bev was there. And, I was sitting at the spot closest to the door.  He looked good. He wasn't gaunt - it was like before he started getting sick.  ***Mamma and I went to All Saints Day mass at night and it was dedicated to Papa. We were both OK until they said his name. Then, it was all over. I was a mess. I was praying and talking to Papa and I told him I really need one of ...